It's been so long since I've been here(wiping away the dust and cobwebs). But the reality is...I didn't have any desire to write about anything. I just wanted to forget for a while about that previous disasterous adventure. To be honest, when things exploded with Joe, I wasn't sure I ever wanted to be a part of this lifestyle again. I was relieved when it ended, because it had spiraled out of control and went to a very unhappy place. I thought "if this is how the lifestyle is, I want no part of it". But it wasn't the lifestyle. It was him. A true sociopath, bent on having things his way, through lies and deceit. And once I figured that out afterward. I began to heal.
I dated a vanilla man for a while after things ended, thinking that's what I wanted. But I found that I missed the good parts. And yes, if I'm honest with myself, there were definitely good parts. Things I found myself craving after our relationship ended.
And vanilla just didn't do it for me anymore.
And when that vanilla relationship ended, which, I think was doomed from the beginning, I decided that I wanted to really learn and educate myself to what the lifestyle was really about.
I started with attending a local submissive's munch in my area. Met some amazing women and men. People with experience, and wisdom, and had a desire to share that wisdom with me. I made some great friends in the lifestyle, and started going to events. Not to play. Public play, I found out, isn't for me. But to learn. To watch the interractions between people.
I've even met a few of Joe's other victims. Women he dated in the past and hurt horribly. They don't know who I am, and I haven't told them about my connection with Joe. I'm afraid that these women, who have moved on to happier places, don't deserve the reminder. So, I am their friend, and share a secret with them, that they have no idea about.
I pondered and tried the switch role....wondering if submissive was the hat that I wanted and needed to wear. While interesting, and enjoyable, it wasn't for me. I didn't mind topping, and could understand better the thrill a dominant gains from the power exchange. But truth be told...I crave the submission.
I've come to a better understanding of the lifestyle and what I want and need from it. I've come closer to realizing what I want and don't want from this....place.
I want a man to take the lead. I want a man who knows what he wants. I want a man that has the capability to listen to another's opinion, but makes the decisions on his own. I also want a man that can appreciate my desire to make him happy. A man that is still a gentleman, while leading. I still have vanilla desires, so a man that is comfortable straddling both worlds.
I think I may have found such a man. A man who, while completely a dominant man, is still a gentleman, holding doors, taking things slow, no expectations for sex from the get-go. A man that wants to snuggle on the couch while watching a movie, and asks for what he wants instead of demanding it. A man that appreciates that I took the time to make dinner and brought it to his house so we could snuggle on said couch watching a movie. And then had the decency to tell me how delicious it was and how sweet I was for doing it.
We have hours long conversations about anything and everything. He also is dependable, calling when he says he'll call. Which, by the way, is every night when he gets home from work. I had a horrible day at work, and he was there for me, listening to me while I vented, raged, and cried.
And on top of all that...he is smart, handsome, and oh so very sexy. While he is content to take things slow...and not rush into anything, I find myself having to hold back from throwing myself at him. I want to touch him, kiss him, taste him. I find myself dreaming about scenes with him...wanting him to do to me, those things I miss.
It's good to be home.