Monday, January 26, 2009

Where have I been??'s been a strange few months. I started this blog to sort out my feelings for Joe, submission, and where I fit.

Joe's tour of duty ended just before Christmas. As a matter of fact, he flew home on December 21st. And it drove me crazy that I didn't see him until the Friday after Christmas. I absolutely understand how insane it must be to just get home, have to spend time with the kid, spend time with family and friends who all want a part of your soul...he'd been gone for almost a year! His folks flew in for the holidays as well. But why oh why wasn't I part of festivities? Why wasn't I a priority on his list?? I tried my best to be patient and to be understanding of his need to straighten everything out. But damn....flashbacks of our past careened through my mind.

We made plans for New Year's birthday. He picked me up, took me to an amazing hotel where we had a fireplace/jacuzzi suite. He bought me a beautiful necklace(think choker) for my birthday. He ordered us dinner in, and then we proceeded to be naked the rest of the night. It was wonderful. But it ended too soon.

Since then, it's been trial after trial. I swear, if he didn't have bad luck, he would have no luck at all. His kid's mom finally got a job, but now Joe feels obligated to be the caregiver. She works midnights. So almost every night he is watching his kid. I don't begrudge him this. She SHOULD be his priority. But every night? He's also suffering from PTSD, can't sleep, forgets things all the time, has a short temper. He says he'll call, and forgets. He says he'll come over and he forgets, or he loses time, or he can't find a sitter.

I finally told him I was done. It just frustrated me to get my hopes up for a "normal" relationship and feel that things are just as they were the last time. I didn't talk to him for two weeks. It was killing me so I broke down and called him. We had a long talk. I explained to him how I feel and how his not following through hurt me. I shouldn't be an obligation! He should call me not because he has to but because he can't wait to talk to me! He asked me if I was worried that he was fucking around when he wasn't calling or coming over when he's not that. Not at all. It's common courtesy. Him not calling when he says he will makes me feel that I'm not important to him. That I don't deserve his respect. He says he understands. But just last night, we had plans and he texted me to tell me that he couldn't find a sitter. You are so afraid of my reaction that you have to text instead of call?

Let me tell you....this isn't helping the whole D/s dynamic. How can I serve if you are never around? I hate being disappointed so often. I hate it because I feel like such a bitch when I tell him how I feel. Shouldn't this be a beautiful relationship instead of a hardship? I feel like I have to try and keep my mouth shut because he tells me that every time I express disappointment, he feels like shit? Well what about me?? I feel like shit when you disappoint me...over and over and over again.

Sigh....I don't know where this will go, if anywhere.

I know that I love Joe with all my heart and soul. And when he's not around, I miss him. I find myself craving submission to him. If I doubted before that that's what I was supposed to do, I know now that it's what I need. I find myself wanting to kneel beside him, to feel his hands in my hair, his orders telling me what to do. But right now...I don't even get that.

Happy Fucking New Year.