And I wonder if we will ever get to the point where we get it right.
One thing I hate are blogs that are all complaints. You know the ones....folks that only seem to blog when they have something to complain about. I fear that I may be one of those bloggers! When things are going well, I am content and don't think so much about writing....and then, when things aren't going well, I want to vent. I hate that. I love reading others' blogs about how great life is...or the great spanking they received the night before. Why can't I be like that?? I promise I will try harder. Because honestly, Joe and I have some really great days and they should be shared!
But on to reality....the past few weeks have been difficult. All of the PTSD stuff I have been reading indicates that the first few months a soldier is home is hard, but that at some point, six to eight months after coming home, reality sets in for them and the PTSD kicks into overdrive. That's my take and my wording, but basically, it means that they try really hard when they first get home to act "normal" and can only carry on the facade for so long before it crumbles. I think that's where Joe is. It's been just about eight months since he came home and he's having a hard time holding it together.
He has been fighting with the baby mama, his family, and me. I have done my very best to be understanding and to be the calm port for his storm. But the other day it came to a head.
He was over, angry with the world. He actually scared me. He was pacing back and forth, furious over everything. He was yelling about the baby mama, the military, his feelings that no one understands what's going on in his head, and then he started in on me. Yelling at me about things that happened months ago, his current perception that I was not listening to him, accusing me of trying to sabotage our relationship. All of this while pacing. I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk(to work off the energy) or sit down and he continued to yell at me.
About a month ago we "played" with a couple I know very well. A couple that I have been friends with forever, but never played with in a sexual manner. I thought at the time we had a great time. Joe seemed to really like them, they really liked Joe and told us they couldn't wait to play with "us" again.
Apparently Joe saw it as the "Em" show. And his insecurities spilled over into "they were just being polite, they didn't really care if he was there or not"...blah blah blah. I mean, at the time, she paid a lot of attention to him, we all had our needs met, or so I thought. And as he stood here, in my house, pacing and ranting, he started in on the "Em" show....ripping into my friends and me....that I didn't care if he was there or not. I couldn't sit there any longer because I was forbidden from interrupting him. I got up, put on my shoes and he said, "are you really walking away from me????" and I told him I was going for a walk because he was hurting my feelings and I didn't want to say anything I would regret later. I wasn't prepared to fight with him. So I left. And as I walked down the street, I heard him tear off in his car.
We didn't speak for two days. I was hurt and angry. I called him finally and apologized for leaving and explained that he was scaring me because I didn't know what he wanted from me. He finally called and apologized for scaring me, he didn't mean to. He told me he was falling apart and had to get away. He left to go down south for a few days to get away from everything. I should note here that in the past, in our vanilla days, he went south for "a few days" and ended up staying for two months with no contact from him. His going south scared me.....I worried that he would disappear. He promised me that he would not disappear and that he would be back.
When I say he scared me, I mean he SCARED me. He wasn't Joe. He yelled at me, blamed me, called me names(which he has NEVER EVER done before). He didn't even look or sound like the Joe and I know and love. I even asked him if he needed to go to the hospital and check himself in. Yeah, that went over really well.
He's been gone for four days. He told me initially he would be back on Tuesday. I actually was looking forward to having a break myself. I figured I wouldn't hear from him while he was gone. I was wrong. He called yesterday morning and told me he loved me, missed me, and wished I was there with him. He sounded like the old Joe. The one who makes me laugh, loves me unconditionally, the one with whom I want to spend my life with. He told me he missed me and was coming home early. That he will be home Sunday and wanted to come stay with me for a while.
I think(hope) that his time away made him realize what he truly had. And that no matter how chaotic life gets, I give him stability. At least that's my take on things.
I don't know what the future holds....whether his PTSD will interfere forever, or if his therapy, meds, and my love can make a difference for him.
I do know that I love him, and want him in my life. I think for now, that we need to concentrate on just living, instead of worrying about the D/s aspects. Though maybe I'm looking at it all wrong. Maybe the D/s would help him feel more in control. I don't know. I know I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get it right.
Sorry, I know this isn't a very "lifestyle-ish" post....but it is a "life" post. Hope y'all understand.