Sunday, March 20, 2011


There was a time, a very long time, when I knew not about this lifestyle. And it seemed that there was always something missing in my relationships. Something that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

A feeling of contentment. No, that's not the right word. This sense of....rightness. A feeling deep down, a feeling of settling. You know the feeling, when you lie down to go to sleep, and you find that perfectly comfortable spot in the bed....your legs just right, your head on the corner of your pillow. And you take that deep sigh, and settle into your perfect breathing rhythm. Your mind drifting...not really thinking of any one thing in particular. And without even thinking about it, you know, at that exact moment, sleep is coming. That's what I mean by settling. In that space and time, everything is just right.

That sensation flows throughout a wonderful relationship, knowing everything is just right, you are where you belong, you are "settled".

Whether it's his voice, telling you "good girl", or his hand resting on the back of your neck, his thumb caressing your cheek, or his lips against your ear as he tells you "you belong to me", that feeling draws down your body, through your mind, and you are just there.

I miss that.

Sunday, March 13, 2011


I'm sitting home alone with my thoughts. Wondering what the hell happened...

I mean, how can everything seem so right, and then literally, twelve hours later you're told that you aren't compatible?

How can you spend hours and hours talking, sharing, anticipating....and it not be compatible? How can you tell me that you can't wait to see me, and that you can't wait to see where this is going....and tell me how excited you are to get there....and then. Then, it's over. Over night. You decide you don't want a submissive, but a slave.

I've gone over it again and again, trying to figure out where it went wrong. You told me you can't change who you are, and would never expect anyone to change for you. But how could you change so drastically from the beginning to the end?

Honesty and respect were monumental to you. But at what point did you think that telling me via email that you wanted a slave, not a submissive, without actually saying it was over, was honest or respectful??

Whatever. The silver lining? Better now than later.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


I think it was a false alarm.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

New relationship.


It's been so long since I've been here(wiping away the dust and cobwebs). But the reality is...I didn't have any desire to write about anything. I just wanted to forget for a while about that previous disasterous adventure. To be honest, when things exploded with Joe, I wasn't sure I ever wanted to be a part of this lifestyle again. I was relieved when it ended, because it had spiraled out of control and went to a very unhappy place. I thought "if this is how the lifestyle is, I want no part of it". But it wasn't the lifestyle. It was him. A true sociopath, bent on having things his way, through lies and deceit. And once I figured that out afterward. I began to heal.

I dated a vanilla man for a while after things ended, thinking that's what I wanted. But I found that I missed the good parts. And yes, if I'm honest with myself, there were definitely good parts. Things I found myself craving after our relationship ended.

And vanilla just didn't do it for me anymore.

And when that vanilla relationship ended, which, I think was doomed from the beginning, I decided that I wanted to really learn and educate myself to what the lifestyle was really about.

I started with attending a local submissive's munch in my area. Met some amazing women and men. People with experience, and wisdom, and had a desire to share that wisdom with me. I made some great friends in the lifestyle, and started going to events. Not to play. Public play, I found out, isn't for me. But to learn. To watch the interractions between people.

I've even met a few of Joe's other victims. Women he dated in the past and hurt horribly. They don't know who I am, and I haven't told them about my connection with Joe. I'm afraid that these women, who have moved on to happier places, don't deserve the reminder. So, I am their friend, and share a secret with them, that they have no idea about.

I pondered and tried the switch role....wondering if submissive was the hat that I wanted and needed to wear. While interesting, and enjoyable, it wasn't for me. I didn't mind topping, and could understand better the thrill a dominant gains from the power exchange. But truth be told...I crave the submission.

I've come to a better understanding of the lifestyle and what I want and need from it. I've come closer to realizing what I want and don't want from

I want a man to take the lead. I want a man who knows what he wants. I want a man that has the capability to listen to another's opinion, but makes the decisions on his own. I also want a man that can appreciate my desire to make him happy. A man that is still a gentleman, while leading. I still have vanilla desires, so a man that is comfortable straddling both worlds.

I think I may have found such a man. A man who, while completely a dominant man, is still a gentleman, holding doors, taking things slow, no expectations for sex from the get-go. A man that wants to snuggle on the couch while watching a movie, and asks for what he wants instead of demanding it. A man that appreciates that I took the time to make dinner and brought it to his house so we could snuggle on said couch watching a movie. And then had the decency to tell me how delicious it was and how sweet I was for doing it.

We have hours long conversations about anything and everything. He also is dependable, calling when he says he'll call. Which, by the way, is every night when he gets home from work. I had a horrible day at work, and he was there for me, listening to me while I vented, raged, and cried.

And on top of all that...he is smart, handsome, and oh so very sexy. While he is content to take things slow...and not rush into anything, I find myself having to hold back from throwing myself at him. I want to touch him, kiss him, taste him. I find myself dreaming about scenes with him...wanting him to do to me, those things I miss.


It's good to be home.