Friday, March 6, 2009

Celebrations and Disappointments

So, Tuesday night, Joe calls. He tells me that on Wednesday he will be picking me up at exactly 6:15pm and that I am to be wearing a nice dress, a thong, and thigh high hose. He won't tell me why, or where we are going. He likes to build the anticipation that way. He also knows that I will think about it constantly until he walks in and will work myself up into a state. He likes that too.

I'm nervous getting ready. Not a bad nervous, more excited than anything. I shower, shave, take care of my girly bits. I know I have enough time to get ready and will be ready and waiting when he arrives.

So why oh why did he get there 20 minutes early! Just to raise my anxiety about not being ready. And as I'm rushing around trying to put on those damned thigh highs and garter(stupid little clips), he grabs my camera and starts taking pictures. I hate having my picture taken and he knows this. We laugh, he tells me to just put on regular pantyhose since I couldn't get those little clips clipped. He warns me though that after tonight, I probably won't be wearing them ever again. I know without even checking that I'm already wet.

Joe is really great about telling me good things about myself. It took me a long time to trust and believe him. I suppose most women have some self esteem issues about their looks. But I believe that he truly thinks I am beautiful. As I stood there, laughing, trying to pull up my pantyhose graciously(does ANY woman look sexy pulling and yanking up pantyhose??) he tells me how beautiful I look on this night.

We leave, yet I still don't know where we are going. We head out and only then, does he tell me his plans. We are going to my favorite restaurant for dinner, then to a sex toy shop, then to a strip club. And at that moment, all of my anxiety melted away. He asked me why I was smiling and the only thing I could tell him was how much I loved him.

On a side note, one of the things I love most about Joe is how much fun he is. We laugh. And Laugh. A lot. All the time. I mean, we have serious conversations, but everything we do is filled with giggles, and smiles, and belly busting laughing. I love when I can get a true laugh out him. Nothing makes me happier.

Dinner was amazing. He ordered me my favorite drink, my favorite dish, and we had a real grown up date. It felt like my first one. I mean, we got dressed up, went to dinner, and had real conversation. It reminded me of nights I would sit on my folks' bed watching them get dressed up to go out to dinner. It was a wonderful feeling.

While we were sitting there having dinner he asked me why I didn't ask him why we were out. I told him I figured he would tell me when he was ready. He laughed a great belly laugh. He knew I was full of shit! The truth is, I didn't give a shit. I was just happy we were out. He knew that. It was a celebration. Of what, I asked? He told me that he officially had taken his name off the volunteer list to go to Afghanistan. He's home for three years. I looked down at the table, and thought I was going to cry. Such a feeling of relief washed over me. I didn't realize how scared I was that he was actually going to go and that he wouldn't make it back this time. Two tours in Iraq back to back. He needs a break. He's a super soldier, but even they need time to heal. He told me not to cry. And I didn't.

The day that he practiced the restraints on me, he teased me that he was going to leave me tied up while he went to get a triple espresso. We ended our dinner with triple espressos. He does have a sense of humor!

We went to the sex toy store and he bought a new gag thingy. Some scary looking thing called a double fish hook. And a sexy nightie. He loves the fact that those places make me a bit uncomfortable. So he would stand behind me and run his hand over my ass...or stand beside me and pinch my nipples right in front of the security camera. My embarrassment made him laugh. And ironically, me too after a while. Everything seems OK and even better when we are together.

We went to the strip club. A sleazy little joint where we sat in a back booth. He was so sweet, and generous. Tipping girls left and right. Telling me to go tip that girl, drink that drink. I never for a moment thought to disobey or doubt him. He got us a couple's lapdance. It was erotic. He was hard. When we sat back down, he reached behind me and ripped the back of my pantyhose. No one could see....and he pulled my dress up to my ass and slid his hand down into my thong. He slid his finger inside my pussy and I could hear him chuckle. He whispered in my ear, "you are so wet". I whispered back, "it's all you". Sliding his finger in and out of me for only a moment had me writhing and so close to coming. He finally had to stop because I was so turned on I couldn't sit still. He said we were going to get kicked out if I couldn't behave. Even now, sitting here, I laugh at the memory. We were just having that much fun!

More drinks, more lap dances....he got totally hard during the second lap dance when the dancer kissed me. We kissed and licked and my hand was in his lap, rubbing his hard cock. He was so turned on watching me kiss her. And he was so sweet, making sure I knew it wasn't the dancer that was turning him on. I was so turned on, knowing that he was enjoying what was happening around him.

Then it was time to leave. I was pretty drunk, but not sloppy, not ignorant, not rude. We walked to the exit and I tried to go out the wrong door. The door guy pointed it out to me and Joe gently grabbed my arm to steer me to the right door. I was laughing because I was embarrassed at making the mistake and in my head, I turned around and playfully slapped Joe's cheek. It my head it was funny, like jokingly blaming him for letting me pick the wrong door.

When we got outside Joe told me to get in the car. And I realized something wasn't right. When I got in the car he started yelling at me for hitting him and humiliating him in front of everyone in the club. I was shocked. And I tried to explain but he wouldn't listen. And then I got mad. And I yelled back. And we fought the entire way home. I was so angry with him. I was so mad that he wouldn't listen to me. I tried over and over again to apologize, but he didn't seem to care. When we got home, he told me he was leaving. I told him to go. And then slammed the door after him. He called me from the road and yelled some more. Even now, I don't remember everything because of all I had to drink. But he hung up on me and I turned my phone off. Ten minutes later I turned my phone back on....I had time to think. I was in the wrong. I needed to make it right. There were two messages from him. He tried to call so that he could come back and we could talk. But now, he was going to go home. I went to bed feeling like shit. I cried myself to sleep. I was so angry at myself at that point. Without even realizing it, I had ruined what had been an amazing night.

I know this is rambling, and I'm leaving parts out...some intentionally, some that are still foggy.

We talked the next morning. And I apologized and he forgave me. But we are still on eggshells right now. He told me he left that night because every fiber of his being was screaming to hurt me. And he didn't want to do that. I have to remember that for the past two years his method of dealing with conflict was to shoot and kill or be killed. He explained to me that he had felt disrespected and even if I was playing, he didn't take it that way. For days now I wish I had the power to turn back time. To stop things before we walked out that door.

Some little part of my mind tells me that he overreacted. But another part of my brain tells me that as a Dom, it was a grievous error on my part. And I didn't know it. But I know it now. I still feel horrible for hurting him. God, I feel like I can't ever get it right. And that makes me angry. For a myriad of reasons. Why should I feel like a fuck up when I don't know the rules? Isn't that his place to explain them to me? Or am I just trying to sabotage our relationship??

Sigh....I don't know. I just know that I feel like I failed him. And that hurts.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Oh My....

Let me start by saying that real life interrupts me all the time! There have been so many times I've sat down to update here and either I'm too tired to write, or something else comes up.

The last few weeks have been interesting. I went to see my folks in Florida in February. Joe came, spent the night and took me to the airport the next afternoon. It was a strange encounter to start. He was in a bad mood, trying to provoke me to get angry with him. He came over in the middle of the night actually. I left the door unlocked for him and he let himself in, and woke me up. I'm not sure why he was in a bad mood, but I refused to engage in the drama and told him I was going back to bed. After a few minutes he joined me. We didn't speak. I lay there with my back to him, both of us naked. At this point, I was wide awake....aware of his warmth behind me, his breath slow and steady. I smiled as I felt him turn toward me and his arm go around me, pulling me closer to his chest, turning my body so we faced each other.

He apologized with his lips, kissing my eyes, my cheek, my nose, my lips. Biting my lower lip as he moved over me, rubbing my body with his strong hands. He was sweet, and soft, and gentle as we made love to reconnect. I fell asleep in his arms. I woke him up a few hours later, sucking him and squeezing his cock. He loves my blowjobs....he loves to force my head down and hear me moan and gag, fucking my mouth. He's getting more vocal when we have sex. He is learning to let go of his own control when I give him pleasure. When we woke up a few more hours later, he told me how much he loved me as he slid into my ass. Starting soft and gentle, then getting bolder and faster. As I lay there, listening to him gasp and moan, calling my name, his fingers inside me at the same time, it was just what I wanted and needed from him. We came together.

Sigh...I love mornings like that.

It was so hard leaving him at the airport. We talked while I was gone for the week, but I missed him desperately.

This past weekend he had drill for the military. He called me Friday at work during the day...asking me when I was getting home. When I asked him why he told me that he had a surprise for me and was on the way to my house. Oh gosh! How to sneak away for the rest of the afternoon! I didn't have to! I asked my boss if I could come in on Saturday for a few hours to make up for leaving early and he's such a gem! He let me. I rushed home to meet Joe and he was sitting in the driveway when I pulled up. Sigh...he is so beautiful to me. He has such full lips, and I could kiss him forever.

Now, here's the Oh My surprise. Wrist and ankle restraints, and some weird four clip thingy so all the restraints could be hooked together. There was also an o-ring gag, but it was way too big for my mouth! LOL! He was truly disappointed for that because he said it was the only one he could fit his cock into. Sheesh...not my fault I have a small mouth! Ironically, I have no problem fitting his cock in my mouth without it....

So it seems that he wanted a practice session because he knows that I've never been restrained and the idea scares me to death! He showed me how the restraints work, and as he explained it to me, my hands started to shake. It's not that I don't trust him, I do, completely. It's the fear of having absolutely NO control. I have to be in hypercontrol in my job(dangerous and potentially deadly) so living most of my days in total control...I can admit that I have control issues. (*snort*~that's an understatement!)

He was gentle as he slid my socks off to velcro the restraints on my ankles. He rubbed my feet and legs and we talked about insignificant things. He let me stay fully clothed...which I thought was strange, but later understood completely. He hooked my ankles together and then stood me up. We laughed as he pulled me, taking tiny baby steps, toward the bedroom. He stood me next to the bed, looked me in the eye, kissed me ever so gently and asked me if I was ready.

He turned me around, and pushed me(gently) face down on the bed. He took my wrists, put the restraints on me, then proceeded to hook my wrists to my ankles behind my back. He made sure that my knee wasn't bothering me(two past knee surgeries). It was a strange sensation...but not uncomfortable. Joe lay on the bed next to me for a few minutes and the way he looked at me, was so intense. I don't think I've ever seen such desire in his eyes before. He told me I looked beautiful lying there hogtied. I laughed, he told me to just say thank you. So I did. He tickled me, which he knows I hate, but there I was, not able to do anything to stop him. So we laughed. And then he turned me over. He said he couldn't believe how hard my nipples were and that he could see them through my shirt and my bra. He pinched them, and rubbed them. And then....and then he undid my pants and slid his hand inside my panties. The look on his face said everything. He was sooooo in his element. It was like a light was suddenly turned on inside of him. He smiled. He moaned. He told me how wet I was. I think this embarrassed me. I didn't expect that. He did. He said he was listening to my body, not my mouth.

I don't know why I wanted to fight how good it felt, lying there, no control, him touching me, making me feel so good. I felt so exposed. I wanted to look away, not let him see how much I was enjoying what he was doing to me. I hate to say that through all of our trials and tribulations, I don't think I've ever truly given over total control to Joe until that moment. And he did it so gently. And it scared me...not the restraining part, but to let him see me so vulnerable, and open. But I did it! And I survived! And despite myself, I enjoyed it!

And when the phone rang a few minutes later and his commanding officer was saying "you'd better be on the road, soldier!" and it came to an end...I was truly disappointed. I wanted to go further. To see where it would take me. I wasn't ready to take the restraints off...I didn't want to see that look on his face, the light in his eyes, end.

It was hard to let him go, even though I know I can't argue with the U.S. Military!

His truck broke down on the way back it's in the shop. I will see him hopefully on Wednesday after work.

I can't wait.

Oh My.....