Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I wasn't completely honest in my first post. I had said that the demise of my relationship with Joe four years ago wasn't related to the issues I'm currently having. That's not true. I have reservations about the whole idea of Dominance and Submission, but I have just as many reservations about opening my heart and soul to Joe once again.

The idea that someone could have total and complete control over you is scary. During all of our conversations about it(and really, seven thousand miles does not help the evolving shape of our relationship), and all of the D/s blogs out there that I have been reading, one of the main threads is that being in a Master/slave relationship actually brings you closer. To have complete trust in someone molds the relationship into something so deep that it transcends time and space.

I thought Joe and I had that kind of relationship the first time around. We talked about how we couldn't get close enough....we talked about how much we loved each other and how scary that was for both of us. And then....he disappeared. No good-bye, no it's over, no explanation of what went wrong. I became this insane person, showing up at all hours of the night, calling his mother, trying to find him. All I wanted was an explanation, and an opportunity to tell him about the baby I was carrying. I wanted to tell him face to face, not over the phone or through an email something that was so incredible.

And after I lost our baby, in my overwhelming grief, I called and left a message on his voicemail telling him I lost our baby...and that he should have been there with me. When he finally called me back, he yelled at me for not telling him about the baby in the first place. The one and only fight we ever had. Screaming at each other, blaming each other and ourselves. But I finally got my closure. He told me that he was financially ruined and that he was losing everything and he couldn't take me with him. The idea of being in love and having nothing scared him and he realized that he handled it all wrong. But by then it was too late. There was no fixing what was so broken.

So there it fear in a nutshell. Regardless of my feelings about being submissive, my underlying fear is that I will open myself up so completely to this man that I love and our relationship will be everything it could possibly be....and then he will walk away again.

We've talked about this. He promises that he will never do what he did before, running away, hiding, not communicating. And so far...he's done a stellar job. But the loss of my baby, and the end of our relationship almost killed me last time. How do you give yourself completely to someone who may leave you with nothing inside?

I understand the idea of complete trust of the one you serve....but can I do it? I want to trust him with all my heart and soul. I think we could have an amazing life together....but how do I get past my fear?


Monday, November 3, 2008

First Post

I am beginning this blog to explore things that have recently been brought into the light. My submission? My mate's desire for my submission? Or a combination of both?

I have suspected for some time that my boyfriend has dominant traits....or rather, he is a Dominant Male. I know that since I've met him(five years ago) that I wanted to belong to him. Maybe not in the D/s sense...I didn't even know what that was five years ago, but that I wanted to be with him, grow old with him, and love him with the very fiber of my being. I want to make him happy. His happiness is very important to me and when he is happy, I am happy.

I guess I should start at the beginning and give a little background...this sounds a little cryptic and I don't want it to. This blog is separate from my 'real' self.....this blog is so that I can write about my feelings, my desires, my confusion over D/s and I can't share that in my regular blog because friends and family read that one...

My boyfriend is in the military....and I'm going to call him "Joe" since that's what they are in the Army...just a bunch of Joes....

I met Joe six years ago. I had actually met him in person at a party and he was dating someone I didn't care for. So, I paid him no mind. I couldn't even remember really what he looked like when six months later I received an email from him reminding me that we had met and that he and his girlfriend had broken up and he wanted to get to know me better.

I knew that he hung out with a crowd that was into swinging and sex parties. But I didn't know if this was his desire or his ex's. She was quite the wild child and in our circle of aquantances, I knew she liked to party this way. Don't get me wrong...we knew the same people, I had "dabbled" in the lifestyle myself...but decided it really wasn't my scene. I had issues being in a room full of mostly strangers having sex. I think it stems from walking in on my parents so many times as a child. I used to get so flustered and embarrassed by this...and those exact same feelings came up when I would be at the parties and people would be getting it on in front of me, like I wasn't supposed to be there....and that freaked me out.

Joe and I exchanged emails, talked on the phone, and after about a week, he asked me to go to the movies with him. He told me he was relieved that I wasn't in the "lifestyle" and was really looking for a normal "vanilla" relationship. In all the time we were together, there was very little personal information about him that I knew. I mean, I knew his name, his parents' names, the names of his siblings, where he grew up...but not really personal stuff. Back then I couldn't tell you any funny stories from his childhood, I couldn't tell you any stories about any family holidays he may have had....I'm not sure why this is important to me....maybe because we had such an intensity and had such deep conversations about love, and concepts, and what our future would be like...I really wanted the background stuff too. What made him so deep? And intense?

I met him at the movies, for our first date, and though I can't remember what we saw, I do remember that during the movie, while he held my hand, and so softly slid his thumb back and forth over the palm of my hand, that I was already hooked. My belly did that little flip-flop-mini-orgasm thing....and then, I turned and kissed him. His lips were so soft and luscious, pulling on my lips, sucking them into his mouth. My tongue would dart into his mouth and our tongues would touch, almost dancing around one another. Instantly, I was wet...and tingly....and wanted more. But as a "good girl"....I stopped kissing him to watch the movie. He tried to hide his erection, but damn...he really couldn't!

That is how we began a year long tumultuous relationship that left us both spent, sad, devastated, and ultimately, over. The reasons why have nothing to do with this blog and our current history and our future, so I will leave it out.

I was devastated when our relationship ended. I truly believed that he was "the one". My soulmate. My future husband. I couldn't even think of dating anyone for the first year after we broke up. The second year....I went on a lot of first dates, and very few second dates. I just had no desire for anyone else. He haunted my dreams, my waking hours...if I thought about him once a day, I thought about him forty times a day. I fell into a deep depression that seemed to last forever. I missed him, I loved him, I still wanted him....but it was over. The third year after we broke up, I began to date. Not anything deep and meaningful, just guys that I could go out with on a regular basis, get my sexual needs met(sorta), and with whom I could have social interactions. But regardless of who I met, slept with, dated regularly, there was NEVER the spark and depth that I had shared with Joe.

I would hear rumors about him...we had friends in common, and he always seemed to be in trouble with someone....some woman who felt that he had hurt them, or used them. That's when I started hearing the whisperings of his involvement with BDSM. I suspected that this was part of the reason we broke up. Part of it was his life was financially crumbling and he didn't want to drag me down, but I suspect that while he may have wanted a vanilla lifestyle....he was truly into a different type of lifestyle that he didn't want to subject me to. Lord knows I tried to inject a little kink into our lives...but he would tell me that I was his Madonna, on a pedestal, and that he couldn't do those things with me...he felt guilty.

About two and a half years ago, Joe showed up on my doorstep one evening. He told me that he had joined the military and that he was leaving for training. It was the National Guard. In my mind, those were the guys sent down to New Orleans to handle things during Hurricane Katrina. I never in a million years would have guessed that they were also being deployed overseas to the war in Iraq. I avoided the news when they talked about the war. I was against the war, not against our troops, but against the war and it hurt me to see what was happening over there. I had no idea, when I saw him, that what he was telling me was that he was going to be deployed overseas. I told him good luck and that was the end of it. No declarations of love, no I'll miss yous...nothing.

About six months ago, I kept thinking about Joe. More than usual. I was dreaming about him, and he was invading my every thought. It was driving me crazy! I decided to send him an email just to see how life was treating him. I wasn't even sure that his email account would still work.
It did. He wrote back to tell me that he was in Iraq. I was shocked. I had no idea. He was on his second tour. I wrote him back and told him that in case the worst happened, I had truly loved him and forgave him. He wrote back that in case the worst happened, he wanted me to know that he was still in love with me and that he had never stopped. Thus began OUR second tour.
Joe and I talked the first three months almost every single day. He would either call, email, or we would instant message. There were a few times that he would be out on mission and couldn't call or email and I would get so worried about him....I was spoiled by all of the contact we had.
One of the things that we've talked about is his problems that he had in the issues, issues with women....and his desire to do things differently this time. One thing he said, that has stuck in my mind, and which was rather cryptic at the time, was that he would not yield to anyone ever again. What exactly did that mean?? When I asked him, he told me that he always hid who he really was and that he lost a bit of himself in an attempt to make other people happy and that he refused to do that ever again. It took several months of communication between us for him to be honest with me and explain that he is a Master by his nature.
He describes it as a switch. It's either on or off. He can be in a normal relationship and be fine, fall in love, have a vanilla existance, but that his heart is in Dominance. It's not roleplay for him, it's a way of life. And once that switch is turned on, he can't or won't go back to vanilla within a relationship. I suspect that he craves this kind of relationship, and he suspects that I am a submissive at heart.
I know he loves me and wants to have a future with me....but my fear is that if I can't be the submissive or slave that he wants, the relationship is doomed. He will not ask this of me. He describes it as a gift that the submissive gives freely to the One she loves. That it's not done because she feels she needs to do it to keep her relationship or does it to make him happy. That the submissive does it because she derives her own happiness through her service to her Master.
This confuses me.
What exactly does that mean? I once had a conversation with my mother about her relationship with my father. My mother would get up every morning at 4am to make my father's breakfast and pack his lunch before he went to work. He was completely capable of doing this himself, but she did it for him. I told her once that she didn't have to do it and I didn't understand why she did. She told me that she loved him and that she did it because it made him happy. My mother always defers to my father, asking him what he wants for dinner, showing him the outfits she buys, catering to him basically. If you leave out the D/s in the bedroom, I suspect that my parents are definitely Dom and Sub. And it works for them. He never "punishes" her, there is no need. There is an unspoken rule that my father is in charge and my mother likes it that way. I think she likes not having to make the decisions and sees her place as by his side, making his life comfortable.
While Joe is still in Iraq, I question if this is something that we can really explore together. He said he will be my guide if I choose, but that we won't "try" it...we will just have to do it. He wants me to be his submissive, his slave, and he my Master. But the labels hang me up. Why does there have to be labels at all? Joe says that the way I behave with him is basically the way a submissive acts anyway and he thinks I will assimilate just fine.
I was raised to be independent, to be able to take care of myself. How do I let that go? Does submitting to him mean that I lose who I have always been? Can I do that? If I thought that our relationship was like my parents, with the kink added in the bedroom, I could live that way contentedly for the rest of my life.
Today was my first "directive" by Joe. Last night, while instant messaging he told me that I was to wear thong panties to work today(under my dress clothes) and to masturbate in my vehicle at lunch time. No question about it, just an order. I told him I would. And I did. I dressed for work this morning, wearing black dress pants, a nice long brown sweater, and matching bra and thong. I smiled all morning at work and couldn't wait to get out to my car and go find a nice quiet place to touch myself.
I drove to a beautiful park near my job and put a cd of Joe's favorite music in the cd player. While sitting there in the fall sun, listening to his music, I slid my hands into my panties and I was already wet. I closed my eyes and slid my finger into my pussy and pictured him sliding his fingers into me, caressing me, licking me.....I fantasized that he would slide his finger in my ass while licking me and teasing me. Initially I was a bit worried about someone catching me, but as the music played on, and my fingers worked inside me, I forgot all about the outside world and came, calling his name as I did. And even though he didn't tell me to lick my juices from my fingers, I did so....smiling, thinking how proud he would be of me.