I wasn't completely honest in my first post. I had said that the demise of my relationship with Joe four years ago wasn't related to the issues I'm currently having. That's not true. I have reservations about the whole idea of Dominance and Submission, but I have just as many reservations about opening my heart and soul to Joe once again.

The idea that someone could have total and complete control over you is scary. During all of our conversations about it(and really, seven thousand miles does not help the evolving shape of our relationship), and all of the D/s blogs out there that I have been reading, one of the main threads is that being in a Master/slave relationship actually brings you closer. To have complete trust in someone molds the relationship into something so deep that it transcends time and space.

I thought Joe and I had that kind of relationship the first time around. We talked about how we couldn't get close enough....we talked about how much we loved each other and how scary that was for both of us. And then....he disappeared. No good-bye, no it's over, no explanation of what went wrong. I became this insane person, showing up at all hours of the night, calling his mother, trying to find him. All I wanted was an explanation, and an opportunity to tell him about the baby I was carrying. I wanted to tell him face to face, not over the phone or through an email something that was so incredible.

And after I lost our baby, in my overwhelming grief, I called and left a message on his voicemail telling him I lost our baby...and that he should have been there with me. When he finally called me back, he yelled at me for not telling him about the baby in the first place. The one and only fight we ever had. Screaming at each other, blaming each other and ourselves. But I finally got my closure. He told me that he was financially ruined and that he was losing everything and he couldn't take me with him. The idea of being in love and having nothing scared him and he realized that he handled it all wrong. But by then it was too late. There was no fixing what was so broken.

So there it is....my fear in a nutshell. Regardless of my feelings about being submissive, my underlying fear is that I will open myself up so completely to this man that I love and our relationship will be everything it could possibly be....and then he will walk away again.

We've talked about this. He promises that he will never do what he did before, running away, hiding, not communicating. And so far...he's done a stellar job. But the loss of my baby, and the end of our relationship almost killed me last time. How do you give yourself completely to someone who may leave you with nothing inside?

I understand the idea of complete trust of the one you serve....but can I do it? I want to trust him with all my heart and soul. I think we could have an amazing life together....but how do I get past my fear?

Sigh.....