I think a lot about my submission. Joe says that he's always known I am submissive, but I didn't know....how did he?

I think about how much I love him, how we believe we are each other's soulmate. I don't know that I would be submissive for anyone else. This is my first relationship involving this dynamic. Even before, when Joe and I were together before, we had a vanilla relationship. And we've talked about that. We previously met at a time where he had ended a D/s relationship(very dramatically and badly) and he wanted just a "normal" relationship. But he said that his time in the war taught him that he didn't want to live a lie or live by anyone else's rules. He said he would never hide who he was for anyone ever again. So the choices were, live the lifestyle with him, or be without him.

So....did I embrace this dynamic for him or for me? I'm not sure. And does it really matter? I don't know.

He has been in the "lifestyle" for almost 20 years, me? Less than a year. He is so patient with me, taking things slowly, giving me a taste, a sample, of what he wants from me. I know that we get frustrated with each other sometimes....he gets frustrated because I ask a thousand questions about everything. I need to understand in my mind why I'm doing what he wants. I haven't quite grasped the whole concept of "just because". I DO know I want to make him happy, and for the most part, he makes me very happy. I mean, we still struggle like any couple, with trying to figure out the minutiae of our relationship. His PTSD and TBI interferes sometimes and I struggle to be understanding. I think that's normal. I do know that I make more concessions with him than I ever have with anyone else.

I know this post is rambling and jumping all over the place....my mind today is just jumbled, and for that I apologize.

I think about my submission and can only come to the conclusion that I am submissive just for him. I can't imagine being submissive to anyone else. I guess maybe because I want to spend the rest of my life with him and only him.

Sigh....Happy Saturday, folks.

I've discovered that...

• Spanking can actually be very erotic and fun!
• I bruise easily everywhere BUT my ass.
• I get turned on when He slaps my face during sex.
• He is much stronger than I am emotionally.
• He can command me to cum.
• I love when He calls me His "good girl".
• I'm a "little bit" of a masochist.
• I could lie next to Him just touching and rubbing each other forever.
• I'm not as afraid of doing new things as I once was.
• I WANT Him to try new things with me.
• He has my absolute submission.

Yay!

Sigh....sometimes things just go right. Yanno?

Joe comes tomorrow for a whole week of uninterrupted "us" time. He still has school, therapy, and work....but NO other commitments but ME ME ME!

I don't think I've mentioned this before, but he is an amazing musician. One of the best I have ever heard...and I've been in music my whole life. Every note he plays is perfection. He always has something playing in his head. He mixes his own music and he used to own his own recording studio back in the day. When he's here, and he's playing his guitar, I can sit and listen to him for hours. He wants to bring his equipment over and do some music while he is here. I still have to work 8 to 5 so that will give him something to concentrate on when he's not in school and I'm at work. I've been cleaning out the basement so he has a whole room just for him.

I hurt my back last weekend, so it's going slower than I had hoped....the whole cleaning thing. Egads...where does all this junk and crap come from? And of course, I've missed garbage day, so I have bags of shit just waiting to go out. Don't get me wrong...I'm not a complete slob, but there are clothes that I haven't worn in years just sitting down there...why am I hanging on to that crap? And what was I thinking saving moving boxes? With this economy, I'm not going anywhere any time soon. I owe more than what my house is worth now....I'm stuck for a while.

Anyway....I had ordered a leather corset from Alter Ego Erotics...I've heard great things about them and it came in the mail today! It is absolutely gorgeous! I told Joe that it came and of course, he has plans for the weekend. He told me tonight that I am going to wear it tomorrow night with a red thong and a locked collar. And that's it. Hmmm....this will be a new experience. But honestly, every day is a new experience with him.

I wonder if the corset will make my back feel better??

Time flies when you're having fun....

Man....I can't believe that it's been almost four months since my last post. I certainly never intended to be gone so long.

Joe and I have been working through some issues since he's been back from the war. He is in school full time, going to therapy twice a week, going to group therapy once a week, and there is still baby mama drama. All. The. Time. It seems every time we get a weekend alone, she calls with some crisis and off he goes. I swear she does it on purpose. I mean, I absolutely believe his child should come first in his life. I have no qualms about saying that. And meaning it. But the latest drama is "separation anxiety". Yep, for some reason, every weekend that Joe is with me, his kid gets separation anxiety and won't stop crying until Daddy comes to see her.

Oh well.

Anyway, on to the other stuff. I think it's hard to have a D/s relationship when your time is limited and sporadic. I mean, I talk to Joe on the phone every day. I see him several times a week. But with my work schedule, his school/therapy schedule, it seems difficult. Though I think that we are definitely moving in the right direction.

I have found out that Joe REALLY likes spanking. I never would have guessed that he was into spanking...but he is. A lot. I swear, I think he looks for things to get annoyed with, or pretends to get annoyed with, just so he can pull me over his lap and whack my ass. The first time he did that it was so fast, I didn't have time to object(what?!?!?) or anticipate what was going to happen. Even sitting here typing this, I am laughing when I think of my first words to him..."is that all you got?" What the hell was I thinking? Oh man, it clearly wasn't all he had. And he gave me just a taste of what he could do. I will say that I think twice now before opening my mouth.

In May, we were supposed to go camping for a weekend. I found this great place that had Tree House Cabins! I couldn't wait! Until I ended up in the hospital that weekend with a MRSA infection that needed four days of IV antibiotics. I was so pissed when the ER doctor told me that he was admitting me for the weekend. I told him no, I was going camping. He told me, No you're not. I was so bummed. But Joe came and stayed with me. He slept at my house and spent the days in the hospital with me.

Last month, he decided that I was to call him Daddy. Now I know that there are lots of Daddy/Daughter, Daddy/little girl scenes/lifestyles out there...but never thought that he would be into that. And I don't think he is really. after a few weeks, and a few spankings because I couldn't seem to remember that I had to address him that way, I finally just said to him: This is hard for me, it's awkward, like playing a role....why do want me to call you Daddy? His answer? It turns him on. The funny thing is...I have no problem whatsoever calling him Daddy in bed...just everywhere else. Sigh....I'm getting better, but it's still awkward for me.

For the last few weeks, he has been obsessed with doing ecstasy with me. You have to understand how odd this is. He doesn't drink, or do drugs. He will have a non-alcoholic beer every once in a while, but that's it. I think, the idea of a total escape appeals to him because of all the war shit in his head. He talks about his unit buddies coming back and having drinking and drug problems. He's the only one who doesn't, it seems. I know that back in his club days he would roll, but he hasn't done it in many many years.

Well, Thursday night it happened. Can I just say....

OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

Limits? Hard limits you say? What are those? It appears that when riding the E train...I have no limits. But in a good way. If you've never taken this trip, I would highly recommend it. I was nervous at first, since I haven't done anything like that since college...and honestly, there were so many drugs back then I couldn't tell you if I had tried it before or not. I can say I think I would have remembered a trip like that!

It started slow....we sat on the couch, watching t.v. just hanging out. Then, we started to roll. We couldn't get close enough to each other. We would finish each other's sentences, laugh like crazy, touch each other every where. Every touch, would make me moan. Every kiss would make me dripping wet. I remember saying to him that I wanted to remember the feeling of absolute freedom to be as sensual as I could be. He wanted me to remember that too. We were biting and nipping each other on the couch. And every time we tried to get up off the couch to go to the bedroom, we would get distracted by each other. Again and again and again. When we finally found our way to the bedroom, we got naked in a hurry! I couldn't wait to touch his skin all over his body. He kept telling me over and over again he couldn't believe how much he loved me. He told me it hurts sometimes he loves me so much. Oops..almost forgot....before we really started to roll, I was thinking about hard limits and one that I had been thinking about for a few days prior to this was slapping. He told me once that in past D/s relationships, he had been known to slap while having sex. I had real issues with that for personal reasons and he knew that was a hard limit for me. But as much as I trust him, I wanted him to try it. I had been thinking that for days and as we were sitting on the couch, I was thinking about saying something to him about it. Before I could say anything, he turned to me and said, "can I ask you about one of your hard limits?" And I said, "Slapping?" He stopped, looked at me and said, "How did you know?" And my only response was...I don't think it's a hard limit tonight. We both laughed because once again, we were on the same wave length.

I can honestly say I don't think it will be an issue ever again. It was so surreal. And I'm sure that rolling on E had everything to do with it. He did things to me that I was sure I would never allow. And I loved every fucking minute of it. I don't even remember him slipping the LARGE buttplug into my ass, but remember sliding it out so he could fuck me in the ass. I swear the neighbors two streets over could hear us. But I sure as hell didn't care.

We rolled for about twelve hours....all night and into the morning. Fucking and sucking, hugging and loving. We couldn't get enough of each other. And it was truly an amazing event. One that I can't wait to repeat.

I had read things on the web about what it was like to roll. How deep and meaningful life would seem....how spiritual it could be.....and what I read didn't even come close to the experience he and I shared.

I'm so glad I had that experience with Him. I don't think I'm creative enough or at least coherent enough tonight to put into words exactly how much fun we truly had. We connected on more levels than I thought possible. And if I doubted my submissiveness to him before this weekend. I don't anymore.

He is everything I want. And I truly believe that I am everything he wants as well.

Sigh....

I am very content. And VERY much in love.