Celebrations and Disappointments

So, Tuesday night, Joe calls. He tells me that on Wednesday he will be picking me up at exactly 6:15pm and that I am to be wearing a nice dress, a thong, and thigh high hose. He won't tell me why, or where we are going. He likes to build the anticipation that way. He also knows that I will think about it constantly until he walks in and will work myself up into a state. He likes that too.

I'm nervous getting ready. Not a bad nervous, more excited than anything. I shower, shave, take care of my girly bits. I know I have enough time to get ready and will be ready and waiting when he arrives.

So why oh why did he get there 20 minutes early! Just to raise my anxiety about not being ready. And as I'm rushing around trying to put on those damned thigh highs and garter(stupid little clips), he grabs my camera and starts taking pictures. I hate having my picture taken and he knows this. We laugh, he tells me to just put on regular pantyhose since I couldn't get those little clips clipped. He warns me though that after tonight, I probably won't be wearing them ever again. I know without even checking that I'm already wet.

Joe is really great about telling me good things about myself. It took me a long time to trust and believe him. I suppose most women have some self esteem issues about their looks. But I believe that he truly thinks I am beautiful. As I stood there, laughing, trying to pull up my pantyhose graciously(does ANY woman look sexy pulling and yanking up pantyhose??) he tells me how beautiful I look on this night.

We leave, yet I still don't know where we are going. We head out and only then, does he tell me his plans. We are going to my favorite restaurant for dinner, then to a sex toy shop, then to a strip club. And at that moment, all of my anxiety melted away. He asked me why I was smiling and the only thing I could tell him was how much I loved him.

On a side note, one of the things I love most about Joe is how much fun he is. We laugh. And Laugh. A lot. All the time. I mean, we have serious conversations, but everything we do is filled with giggles, and smiles, and belly busting laughing. I love when I can get a true laugh out him. Nothing makes me happier.

Dinner was amazing. He ordered me my favorite drink, my favorite dish, and we had a real grown up date. It felt like my first one. I mean, we got dressed up, went to dinner, and had real conversation. It reminded me of nights I would sit on my folks' bed watching them get dressed up to go out to dinner. It was a wonderful feeling.

While we were sitting there having dinner he asked me why I didn't ask him why we were out. I told him I figured he would tell me when he was ready. He laughed a great belly laugh. He knew I was full of shit! The truth is, I didn't give a shit. I was just happy we were out. He knew that. It was a celebration. Of what, I asked? He told me that he officially had taken his name off the volunteer list to go to Afghanistan. He's home for three years. I looked down at the table, and thought I was going to cry. Such a feeling of relief washed over me. I didn't realize how scared I was that he was actually going to go and that he wouldn't make it back this time. Two tours in Iraq back to back. He needs a break. He's a super soldier, but even they need time to heal. He told me not to cry. And I didn't.

The day that he practiced the restraints on me, he teased me that he was going to leave me tied up while he went to get a triple espresso. We ended our dinner with triple espressos. He does have a sense of humor!

We went to the sex toy store and he bought a new gag thingy. Some scary looking thing called a double fish hook. And a sexy nightie. He loves the fact that those places make me a bit uncomfortable. So he would stand behind me and run his hand over my ass...or stand beside me and pinch my nipples right in front of the security camera. My embarrassment made him laugh. And ironically, me too after a while. Everything seems OK and even better when we are together.

We went to the strip club. A sleazy little joint where we sat in a back booth. He was so sweet, and generous. Tipping girls left and right. Telling me to go tip that girl, drink that drink. I never for a moment thought to disobey or doubt him. He got us a couple's lapdance. It was erotic. He was hard. When we sat back down, he reached behind me and ripped the back of my pantyhose. No one could see....and he pulled my dress up to my ass and slid his hand down into my thong. He slid his finger inside my pussy and I could hear him chuckle. He whispered in my ear, "you are so wet". I whispered back, "it's all you". Sliding his finger in and out of me for only a moment had me writhing and so close to coming. He finally had to stop because I was so turned on I couldn't sit still. He said we were going to get kicked out if I couldn't behave. Even now, sitting here, I laugh at the memory. We were just having that much fun!

More drinks, more lap dances....he got totally hard during the second lap dance when the dancer kissed me. We kissed and licked and my hand was in his lap, rubbing his hard cock. He was so turned on watching me kiss her. And he was so sweet, making sure I knew it wasn't the dancer that was turning him on. I was so turned on, knowing that he was enjoying what was happening around him.

Then it was time to leave. I was pretty drunk, but not sloppy, not ignorant, not rude. We walked to the exit and I tried to go out the wrong door. The door guy pointed it out to me and Joe gently grabbed my arm to steer me to the right door. I was laughing because I was embarrassed at making the mistake and in my head, I turned around and playfully slapped Joe's cheek. It my head it was funny, like jokingly blaming him for letting me pick the wrong door.

When we got outside Joe told me to get in the car. And I realized something wasn't right. When I got in the car he started yelling at me for hitting him and humiliating him in front of everyone in the club. I was shocked. And I tried to explain but he wouldn't listen. And then I got mad. And I yelled back. And we fought the entire way home. I was so angry with him. I was so mad that he wouldn't listen to me. I tried over and over again to apologize, but he didn't seem to care. When we got home, he told me he was leaving. I told him to go. And then slammed the door after him. He called me from the road and yelled some more. Even now, I don't remember everything because of all I had to drink. But he hung up on me and I turned my phone off. Ten minutes later I turned my phone back on....I had time to think. I was in the wrong. I needed to make it right. There were two messages from him. He tried to call so that he could come back and we could talk. But now, he was going to go home. I went to bed feeling like shit. I cried myself to sleep. I was so angry at myself at that point. Without even realizing it, I had ruined what had been an amazing night.

I know this is rambling, and I'm leaving parts out...some intentionally, some that are still foggy.

We talked the next morning. And I apologized and he forgave me. But we are still on eggshells right now. He told me he left that night because every fiber of his being was screaming to hurt me. And he didn't want to do that. I have to remember that for the past two years his method of dealing with conflict was to shoot and kill or be killed. He explained to me that he had felt disrespected and even if I was playing, he didn't take it that way. For days now I wish I had the power to turn back time. To stop things before we walked out that door.

Some little part of my mind tells me that he overreacted. But another part of my brain tells me that as a Dom, it was a grievous error on my part. And I didn't know it. But boy...do I know it now. I still feel horrible for hurting him. God, I feel like I can't ever get it right. And that makes me angry. For a myriad of reasons. Why should I feel like a fuck up when I don't know the rules? Isn't that his place to explain them to me? Or am I just trying to sabotage our relationship??

Sigh....I don't know. I just know that I feel like I failed him. And that hurts.