Celebrations and Disappointments

So, Tuesday night, Joe calls. He tells me that on Wednesday he will be picking me up at exactly 6:15pm and that I am to be wearing a nice dress, a thong, and thigh high hose. He won't tell me why, or where we are going. He likes to build the anticipation that way. He also knows that I will think about it constantly until he walks in and will work myself up into a state. He likes that too.

I'm nervous getting ready. Not a bad nervous, more excited than anything. I shower, shave, take care of my girly bits. I know I have enough time to get ready and will be ready and waiting when he arrives.

So why oh why did he get there 20 minutes early! Just to raise my anxiety about not being ready. And as I'm rushing around trying to put on those damned thigh highs and garter(stupid little clips), he grabs my camera and starts taking pictures. I hate having my picture taken and he knows this. We laugh, he tells me to just put on regular pantyhose since I couldn't get those little clips clipped. He warns me though that after tonight, I probably won't be wearing them ever again. I know without even checking that I'm already wet.

Joe is really great about telling me good things about myself. It took me a long time to trust and believe him. I suppose most women have some self esteem issues about their looks. But I believe that he truly thinks I am beautiful. As I stood there, laughing, trying to pull up my pantyhose graciously(does ANY woman look sexy pulling and yanking up pantyhose??) he tells me how beautiful I look on this night.

We leave, yet I still don't know where we are going. We head out and only then, does he tell me his plans. We are going to my favorite restaurant for dinner, then to a sex toy shop, then to a strip club. And at that moment, all of my anxiety melted away. He asked me why I was smiling and the only thing I could tell him was how much I loved him.

On a side note, one of the things I love most about Joe is how much fun he is. We laugh. And Laugh. A lot. All the time. I mean, we have serious conversations, but everything we do is filled with giggles, and smiles, and belly busting laughing. I love when I can get a true laugh out him. Nothing makes me happier.

Dinner was amazing. He ordered me my favorite drink, my favorite dish, and we had a real grown up date. It felt like my first one. I mean, we got dressed up, went to dinner, and had real conversation. It reminded me of nights I would sit on my folks' bed watching them get dressed up to go out to dinner. It was a wonderful feeling.

While we were sitting there having dinner he asked me why I didn't ask him why we were out. I told him I figured he would tell me when he was ready. He laughed a great belly laugh. He knew I was full of shit! The truth is, I didn't give a shit. I was just happy we were out. He knew that. It was a celebration. Of what, I asked? He told me that he officially had taken his name off the volunteer list to go to Afghanistan. He's home for three years. I looked down at the table, and thought I was going to cry. Such a feeling of relief washed over me. I didn't realize how scared I was that he was actually going to go and that he wouldn't make it back this time. Two tours in Iraq back to back. He needs a break. He's a super soldier, but even they need time to heal. He told me not to cry. And I didn't.

The day that he practiced the restraints on me, he teased me that he was going to leave me tied up while he went to get a triple espresso. We ended our dinner with triple espressos. He does have a sense of humor!

We went to the sex toy store and he bought a new gag thingy. Some scary looking thing called a double fish hook. And a sexy nightie. He loves the fact that those places make me a bit uncomfortable. So he would stand behind me and run his hand over my ass...or stand beside me and pinch my nipples right in front of the security camera. My embarrassment made him laugh. And ironically, me too after a while. Everything seems OK and even better when we are together.

We went to the strip club. A sleazy little joint where we sat in a back booth. He was so sweet, and generous. Tipping girls left and right. Telling me to go tip that girl, drink that drink. I never for a moment thought to disobey or doubt him. He got us a couple's lapdance. It was erotic. He was hard. When we sat back down, he reached behind me and ripped the back of my pantyhose. No one could see....and he pulled my dress up to my ass and slid his hand down into my thong. He slid his finger inside my pussy and I could hear him chuckle. He whispered in my ear, "you are so wet". I whispered back, "it's all you". Sliding his finger in and out of me for only a moment had me writhing and so close to coming. He finally had to stop because I was so turned on I couldn't sit still. He said we were going to get kicked out if I couldn't behave. Even now, sitting here, I laugh at the memory. We were just having that much fun!

More drinks, more lap dances....he got totally hard during the second lap dance when the dancer kissed me. We kissed and licked and my hand was in his lap, rubbing his hard cock. He was so turned on watching me kiss her. And he was so sweet, making sure I knew it wasn't the dancer that was turning him on. I was so turned on, knowing that he was enjoying what was happening around him.

Then it was time to leave. I was pretty drunk, but not sloppy, not ignorant, not rude. We walked to the exit and I tried to go out the wrong door. The door guy pointed it out to me and Joe gently grabbed my arm to steer me to the right door. I was laughing because I was embarrassed at making the mistake and in my head, I turned around and playfully slapped Joe's cheek. It my head it was funny, like jokingly blaming him for letting me pick the wrong door.

When we got outside Joe told me to get in the car. And I realized something wasn't right. When I got in the car he started yelling at me for hitting him and humiliating him in front of everyone in the club. I was shocked. And I tried to explain but he wouldn't listen. And then I got mad. And I yelled back. And we fought the entire way home. I was so angry with him. I was so mad that he wouldn't listen to me. I tried over and over again to apologize, but he didn't seem to care. When we got home, he told me he was leaving. I told him to go. And then slammed the door after him. He called me from the road and yelled some more. Even now, I don't remember everything because of all I had to drink. But he hung up on me and I turned my phone off. Ten minutes later I turned my phone back on....I had time to think. I was in the wrong. I needed to make it right. There were two messages from him. He tried to call so that he could come back and we could talk. But now, he was going to go home. I went to bed feeling like shit. I cried myself to sleep. I was so angry at myself at that point. Without even realizing it, I had ruined what had been an amazing night.

I know this is rambling, and I'm leaving parts out...some intentionally, some that are still foggy.

We talked the next morning. And I apologized and he forgave me. But we are still on eggshells right now. He told me he left that night because every fiber of his being was screaming to hurt me. And he didn't want to do that. I have to remember that for the past two years his method of dealing with conflict was to shoot and kill or be killed. He explained to me that he had felt disrespected and even if I was playing, he didn't take it that way. For days now I wish I had the power to turn back time. To stop things before we walked out that door.

Some little part of my mind tells me that he overreacted. But another part of my brain tells me that as a Dom, it was a grievous error on my part. And I didn't know it. But boy...do I know it now. I still feel horrible for hurting him. God, I feel like I can't ever get it right. And that makes me angry. For a myriad of reasons. Why should I feel like a fuck up when I don't know the rules? Isn't that his place to explain them to me? Or am I just trying to sabotage our relationship??

Sigh....I don't know. I just know that I feel like I failed him. And that hurts.

Oh My....

Let me start by saying that real life interrupts me all the time! There have been so many times I've sat down to update here and either I'm too tired to write, or something else comes up.

The last few weeks have been interesting. I went to see my folks in Florida in February. Joe came, spent the night and took me to the airport the next afternoon. It was a strange encounter to start. He was in a bad mood, trying to provoke me to get angry with him. He came over in the middle of the night actually. I left the door unlocked for him and he let himself in, and woke me up. I'm not sure why he was in a bad mood, but I refused to engage in the drama and told him I was going back to bed. After a few minutes he joined me. We didn't speak. I lay there with my back to him, both of us naked. At this point, I was wide awake....aware of his warmth behind me, his breath slow and steady. I smiled as I felt him turn toward me and his arm go around me, pulling me closer to his chest, turning my body so we faced each other.

He apologized with his lips, kissing my eyes, my cheek, my nose, my lips. Biting my lower lip as he moved over me, rubbing my body with his strong hands. He was sweet, and soft, and gentle as we made love to reconnect. I fell asleep in his arms. I woke him up a few hours later, sucking him and squeezing his cock. He loves my blowjobs....he loves to force my head down and hear me moan and gag, fucking my mouth. He's getting more vocal when we have sex. He is learning to let go of his own control when I give him pleasure. When we woke up a few more hours later, he told me how much he loved me as he slid into my ass. Starting soft and gentle, then getting bolder and faster. As I lay there, listening to him gasp and moan, calling my name, his fingers inside me at the same time, it was just what I wanted and needed from him. We came together.

Sigh...I love mornings like that.

It was so hard leaving him at the airport. We talked while I was gone for the week, but I missed him desperately.

This past weekend he had drill for the military. He called me Friday at work during the day...asking me when I was getting home. When I asked him why he told me that he had a surprise for me and was on the way to my house. Oh gosh! How to sneak away for the rest of the afternoon! I didn't have to! I asked my boss if I could come in on Saturday for a few hours to make up for leaving early and he's such a gem! He let me. I rushed home to meet Joe and he was sitting in the driveway when I pulled up. Sigh...he is so beautiful to me. He has such full lips, and I could kiss him forever.

Now, here's the Oh My part.....my surprise. Wrist and ankle restraints, and some weird four clip thingy so all the restraints could be hooked together. There was also an o-ring gag, but it was way too big for my mouth! LOL! He was truly disappointed for that because he said it was the only one he could fit his cock into. Sheesh...not my fault I have a small mouth! Ironically, I have no problem fitting his cock in my mouth without it....

So it seems that he wanted a practice session because he knows that I've never been restrained and the idea scares me to death! He showed me how the restraints work, and as he explained it to me, my hands started to shake. It's not that I don't trust him, I do, completely. It's the fear of having absolutely NO control. I have to be in hypercontrol in my job(dangerous and potentially deadly) so living most of my days in total control...I can admit that I have control issues. (*snort*~that's an understatement!)

He was gentle as he slid my socks off to velcro the restraints on my ankles. He rubbed my feet and legs and we talked about insignificant things. He let me stay fully clothed...which I thought was strange, but later understood completely. He hooked my ankles together and then stood me up. We laughed as he pulled me, taking tiny baby steps, toward the bedroom. He stood me next to the bed, looked me in the eye, kissed me ever so gently and asked me if I was ready.

He turned me around, and pushed me(gently) face down on the bed. He took my wrists, put the restraints on me, then proceeded to hook my wrists to my ankles behind my back. He made sure that my knee wasn't bothering me(two past knee surgeries). It was a strange sensation...but not uncomfortable. Joe lay on the bed next to me for a few minutes and the way he looked at me, was so intense. I don't think I've ever seen such desire in his eyes before. He told me I looked beautiful lying there hogtied. I laughed, he told me to just say thank you. So I did. He tickled me, which he knows I hate, but there I was, not able to do anything to stop him. So we laughed. And then he turned me over. He said he couldn't believe how hard my nipples were and that he could see them through my shirt and my bra. He pinched them, and rubbed them. And then....and then he undid my pants and slid his hand inside my panties. The look on his face said everything. He was sooooo in his element. It was like a light was suddenly turned on inside of him. He smiled. He moaned. He told me how wet I was. I think this embarrassed me. I didn't expect that. He did. He said he was listening to my body, not my mouth.

I don't know why I wanted to fight how good it felt, lying there, no control, him touching me, making me feel so good. I felt so exposed. I wanted to look away, not let him see how much I was enjoying what he was doing to me. I hate to say that through all of our trials and tribulations, I don't think I've ever truly given over total control to Joe until that moment. And he did it so gently. And it scared me...not the restraining part, but to let him see me so vulnerable, and open. But I did it! And I survived! And despite myself, I enjoyed it!

And when the phone rang a few minutes later and his commanding officer was saying "you'd better be on the road, soldier!" and it came to an end...I was truly disappointed. I wanted to go further. To see where it would take me. I wasn't ready to take the restraints off...I didn't want to see that look on his face, the light in his eyes, end.

It was hard to let him go, even though I know I can't argue with the U.S. Military!

His truck broke down on the way back today...so it's in the shop. I will see him hopefully on Wednesday after work.

I can't wait.

Oh My.....

Where have I been??

Sigh....it's been a strange few months. I started this blog to sort out my feelings for Joe, submission, and where I fit.

Joe's tour of duty ended just before Christmas. As a matter of fact, he flew home on December 21st. And it drove me crazy that I didn't see him until the Friday after Christmas. I absolutely understand how insane it must be to just get home, have to spend time with the kid, spend time with family and friends who all want a part of your soul...he'd been gone for almost a year! His folks flew in for the holidays as well. But why oh why wasn't I part of festivities? Why wasn't I a priority on his list?? I tried my best to be patient and to be understanding of his need to straighten everything out. But damn....flashbacks of our past careened through my mind.

We made plans for New Year's Eve...my birthday. He picked me up, took me to an amazing hotel where we had a fireplace/jacuzzi suite. He bought me a beautiful necklace(think choker) for my birthday. He ordered us dinner in, and then we proceeded to be naked the rest of the night. It was wonderful. But it ended too soon.

Since then, it's been trial after trial. I swear, if he didn't have bad luck, he would have no luck at all. His kid's mom finally got a job, but now Joe feels obligated to be the caregiver. She works midnights. So almost every night he is watching his kid. I don't begrudge him this. She SHOULD be his priority. But every night? He's also suffering from PTSD, can't sleep, forgets things all the time, has a short temper. He says he'll call, and forgets. He says he'll come over and he forgets, or he loses time, or he can't find a sitter.

I finally told him I was done. It just frustrated me to get my hopes up for a "normal" relationship and feel that things are just as they were the last time. I didn't talk to him for two weeks. It was killing me so I broke down and called him. We had a long talk. I explained to him how I feel and how his not following through hurt me. I shouldn't be an obligation! He should call me not because he has to but because he can't wait to talk to me! He asked me if I was worried that he was fucking around when he wasn't calling or coming over when he said....it's not that. Not at all. It's common courtesy. Him not calling when he says he will makes me feel that I'm not important to him. That I don't deserve his respect. He says he understands. But just last night, we had plans and he texted me to tell me that he couldn't find a sitter. You are so afraid of my reaction that you have to text instead of call?

Let me tell you....this isn't helping the whole D/s dynamic. How can I serve if you are never around? I hate being disappointed so often. I hate it because I feel like such a bitch when I tell him how I feel. Shouldn't this be a beautiful relationship instead of a hardship? I feel like I have to try and keep my mouth shut because he tells me that every time I express disappointment, he feels like shit? Well what about me?? I feel like shit when you disappoint me...over and over and over again.

Sigh....I don't know where this will go, if anywhere.

I know that I love Joe with all my heart and soul. And when he's not around, I miss him. I find myself craving submission to him. If I doubted before that that's what I was supposed to do, I know now that it's what I need. I find myself wanting to kneel beside him, to feel his hands in my hair, his orders telling me what to do. But right now...I don't even get that.

Happy Fucking New Year.

I wasn't completely honest in my first post. I had said that the demise of my relationship with Joe four years ago wasn't related to the issues I'm currently having. That's not true. I have reservations about the whole idea of Dominance and Submission, but I have just as many reservations about opening my heart and soul to Joe once again.

The idea that someone could have total and complete control over you is scary. During all of our conversations about it(and really, seven thousand miles does not help the evolving shape of our relationship), and all of the D/s blogs out there that I have been reading, one of the main threads is that being in a Master/slave relationship actually brings you closer. To have complete trust in someone molds the relationship into something so deep that it transcends time and space.

I thought Joe and I had that kind of relationship the first time around. We talked about how we couldn't get close enough....we talked about how much we loved each other and how scary that was for both of us. And then....he disappeared. No good-bye, no it's over, no explanation of what went wrong. I became this insane person, showing up at all hours of the night, calling his mother, trying to find him. All I wanted was an explanation, and an opportunity to tell him about the baby I was carrying. I wanted to tell him face to face, not over the phone or through an email something that was so incredible.

And after I lost our baby, in my overwhelming grief, I called and left a message on his voicemail telling him I lost our baby...and that he should have been there with me. When he finally called me back, he yelled at me for not telling him about the baby in the first place. The one and only fight we ever had. Screaming at each other, blaming each other and ourselves. But I finally got my closure. He told me that he was financially ruined and that he was losing everything and he couldn't take me with him. The idea of being in love and having nothing scared him and he realized that he handled it all wrong. But by then it was too late. There was no fixing what was so broken.

So there it is....my fear in a nutshell. Regardless of my feelings about being submissive, my underlying fear is that I will open myself up so completely to this man that I love and our relationship will be everything it could possibly be....and then he will walk away again.

We've talked about this. He promises that he will never do what he did before, running away, hiding, not communicating. And so far...he's done a stellar job. But the loss of my baby, and the end of our relationship almost killed me last time. How do you give yourself completely to someone who may leave you with nothing inside?

I understand the idea of complete trust of the one you serve....but can I do it? I want to trust him with all my heart and soul. I think we could have an amazing life together....but how do I get past my fear?

Sigh.....

First Post

Sigh...
I am beginning this blog to explore things that have recently been brought into the light. My submission? My mate's desire for my submission? Or a combination of both?

I have suspected for some time that my boyfriend has dominant traits....or rather, he is a Dominant Male. I know that since I've met him(five years ago) that I wanted to belong to him. Maybe not in the D/s sense...I didn't even know what that was five years ago, but that I wanted to be with him, grow old with him, and love him with the very fiber of my being. I want to make him happy. His happiness is very important to me and when he is happy, I am happy.

I guess I should start at the beginning and give a little background...this sounds a little cryptic and I don't want it to. This blog is separate from my 'real' self.....this blog is so that I can write about my feelings, my desires, my confusion over D/s and I can't share that in my regular blog because friends and family read that one...

My boyfriend is in the military....and I'm going to call him "Joe" since that's what they are in the Army...just a bunch of Joes....

I met Joe six years ago. I had actually met him in person at a party and he was dating someone I didn't care for. So, I paid him no mind. I couldn't even remember really what he looked like when six months later I received an email from him reminding me that we had met and that he and his girlfriend had broken up and he wanted to get to know me better.

I knew that he hung out with a crowd that was into swinging and sex parties. But I didn't know if this was his desire or his ex's. She was quite the wild child and in our circle of aquantances, I knew she liked to party this way. Don't get me wrong...we knew the same people, I had "dabbled" in the lifestyle myself...but decided it really wasn't my scene. I had issues being in a room full of mostly strangers having sex. I think it stems from walking in on my parents so many times as a child. I used to get so flustered and embarrassed by this...and those exact same feelings came up when I would be at the parties and people would be getting it on in front of me, like I wasn't supposed to be there....and that freaked me out.

Joe and I exchanged emails, talked on the phone, and after about a week, he asked me to go to the movies with him. He told me he was relieved that I wasn't in the "lifestyle" and was really looking for a normal "vanilla" relationship. In all the time we were together, there was very little personal information about him that I knew. I mean, I knew his name, his parents' names, the names of his siblings, where he grew up...but not really personal stuff. Back then I couldn't tell you any funny stories from his childhood, I couldn't tell you any stories about any family holidays he may have had....I'm not sure why this is important to me....maybe because we had such an intensity and had such deep conversations about love, and concepts, and what our future would be like...I really wanted the background stuff too. What made him so deep? And intense?

I met him at the movies, for our first date, and though I can't remember what we saw, I do remember that during the movie, while he held my hand, and so softly slid his thumb back and forth over the palm of my hand, that I was already hooked. My belly did that little flip-flop-mini-orgasm thing....and then, I turned and kissed him. His lips were so soft and luscious, pulling on my lips, sucking them into his mouth. My tongue would dart into his mouth and our tongues would touch, almost dancing around one another. Instantly, I was wet...and tingly....and wanted more. But as a "good girl"....I stopped kissing him to watch the movie. He tried to hide his erection, but damn...he really couldn't!

That is how we began a year long tumultuous relationship that left us both spent, sad, devastated, and ultimately, over. The reasons why have nothing to do with this blog and our current history and our future, so I will leave it out.

I was devastated when our relationship ended. I truly believed that he was "the one". My soulmate. My future husband. I couldn't even think of dating anyone for the first year after we broke up. The second year....I went on a lot of first dates, and very few second dates. I just had no desire for anyone else. He haunted my dreams, my waking hours...if I thought about him once a day, I thought about him forty times a day. I fell into a deep depression that seemed to last forever. I missed him, I loved him, I still wanted him....but it was over. The third year after we broke up, I began to date. Not anything deep and meaningful, just guys that I could go out with on a regular basis, get my sexual needs met(sorta), and with whom I could have social interactions. But regardless of who I met, slept with, dated regularly, there was NEVER the spark and depth that I had shared with Joe.

I would hear rumors about him...we had friends in common, and he always seemed to be in trouble with someone....some woman who felt that he had hurt them, or used them. That's when I started hearing the whisperings of his involvement with BDSM. I suspected that this was part of the reason we broke up. Part of it was his life was financially crumbling and he didn't want to drag me down, but I suspect that while he may have wanted a vanilla lifestyle....he was truly into a different type of lifestyle that he didn't want to subject me to. Lord knows I tried to inject a little kink into our lives...but he would tell me that I was his Madonna, on a pedestal, and that he couldn't do those things with me...he felt guilty.

About two and a half years ago, Joe showed up on my doorstep one evening. He told me that he had joined the military and that he was leaving for training. It was the National Guard. In my mind, those were the guys sent down to New Orleans to handle things during Hurricane Katrina. I never in a million years would have guessed that they were also being deployed overseas to the war in Iraq. I avoided the news when they talked about the war. I was against the war, not against our troops, but against the war and it hurt me to see what was happening over there. I had no idea, when I saw him, that what he was telling me was that he was going to be deployed overseas. I told him good luck and that was the end of it. No declarations of love, no I'll miss yous...nothing.

About six months ago, I kept thinking about Joe. More than usual. I was dreaming about him, and he was invading my every thought. It was driving me crazy! I decided to send him an email just to see how life was treating him. I wasn't even sure that his email account would still work.

It did. He wrote back to tell me that he was in Iraq. I was shocked. I had no idea. He was on his second tour. I wrote him back and told him that in case the worst happened, I had truly loved him and forgave him. He wrote back that in case the worst happened, he wanted me to know that he was still in love with me and that he had never stopped. Thus began OUR second tour.

Joe and I talked the first three months almost every single day. He would either call, email, or we would instant message. There were a few times that he would be out on mission and couldn't call or email and I would get so worried about him....I was spoiled by all of the contact we had.

One of the things that we've talked about is his problems that he had in the past...financial issues, issues with women....and his desire to do things differently this time. One thing he said, that has stuck in my mind, and which was rather cryptic at the time, was that he would not yield to anyone ever again. What exactly did that mean?? When I asked him, he told me that he always hid who he really was and that he lost a bit of himself in an attempt to make other people happy and that he refused to do that ever again. It took several months of communication between us for him to be honest with me and explain that he is a Master by his nature.

He describes it as a switch. It's either on or off. He can be in a normal relationship and be fine, fall in love, have a vanilla existance, but that his heart is in Dominance. It's not roleplay for him, it's a way of life. And once that switch is turned on, he can't or won't go back to vanilla within a relationship. I suspect that he craves this kind of relationship, and he suspects that I am a submissive at heart.

I know he loves me and wants to have a future with me....but my fear is that if I can't be the submissive or slave that he wants, the relationship is doomed. He will not ask this of me. He describes it as a gift that the submissive gives freely to the One she loves. That it's not done because she feels she needs to do it to keep her relationship or does it to make him happy. That the submissive does it because she derives her own happiness through her service to her Master.

This confuses me.

What exactly does that mean? I once had a conversation with my mother about her relationship with my father. My mother would get up every morning at 4am to make my father's breakfast and pack his lunch before he went to work. He was completely capable of doing this himself, but she did it for him. I told her once that she didn't have to do it and I didn't understand why she did. She told me that she loved him and that she did it because it made him happy. My mother always defers to my father, asking him what he wants for dinner, showing him the outfits she buys, catering to him basically. If you leave out the D/s in the bedroom, I suspect that my parents are definitely Dom and Sub. And it works for them. He never "punishes" her, there is no need. There is an unspoken rule that my father is in charge and my mother likes it that way. I think she likes not having to make the decisions and sees her place as by his side, making his life comfortable.

While Joe is still in Iraq, I question if this is something that we can really explore together. He said he will be my guide if I choose, but that we won't "try" it...we will just have to do it. He wants me to be his submissive, his slave, and he my Master. But the labels hang me up. Why does there have to be labels at all? Joe says that the way I behave with him is basically the way a submissive acts anyway and he thinks I will assimilate just fine.

I was raised to be independent, to be able to take care of myself. How do I let that go? Does submitting to him mean that I lose who I have always been? Can I do that? If I thought that our relationship was like my parents, with the kink added in the bedroom, I could live that way contentedly for the rest of my life.

Today was my first "directive" by Joe. Last night, while instant messaging he told me that I was to wear thong panties to work today(under my dress clothes) and to masturbate in my vehicle at lunch time. No question about it, just an order. I told him I would. And I did. I dressed for work this morning, wearing black dress pants, a nice long brown sweater, and matching bra and thong. I smiled all morning at work and couldn't wait to get out to my car and go find a nice quiet place to touch myself.

I drove to a beautiful park near my job and put a cd of Joe's favorite music in the cd player. While sitting there in the fall sun, listening to his music, I slid my hands into my panties and I was already wet. I closed my eyes and slid my finger into my pussy and pictured him sliding his fingers into me, caressing me, licking me.....I fantasized that he would slide his finger in my ass while licking me and teasing me. Initially I was a bit worried about someone catching me, but as the music played on, and my fingers worked inside me, I forgot all about the outside world and came, calling his name as I did. And even though he didn't tell me to lick my juices from my fingers, I did so....smiling, thinking how proud he would be of me.