Sunday, March 20, 2011


There was a time, a very long time, when I knew not about this lifestyle. And it seemed that there was always something missing in my relationships. Something that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

A feeling of contentment. No, that's not the right word. This sense of....rightness. A feeling deep down, a feeling of settling. You know the feeling, when you lie down to go to sleep, and you find that perfectly comfortable spot in the bed....your legs just right, your head on the corner of your pillow. And you take that deep sigh, and settle into your perfect breathing rhythm. Your mind drifting...not really thinking of any one thing in particular. And without even thinking about it, you know, at that exact moment, sleep is coming. That's what I mean by settling. In that space and time, everything is just right.

That sensation flows throughout a wonderful relationship, knowing everything is just right, you are where you belong, you are "settled".

Whether it's his voice, telling you "good girl", or his hand resting on the back of your neck, his thumb caressing your cheek, or his lips against your ear as he tells you "you belong to me", that feeling draws down your body, through your mind, and you are just there.

I miss that.

Sunday, March 13, 2011


I'm sitting home alone with my thoughts. Wondering what the hell happened...

I mean, how can everything seem so right, and then literally, twelve hours later you're told that you aren't compatible?

How can you spend hours and hours talking, sharing, anticipating....and it not be compatible? How can you tell me that you can't wait to see me, and that you can't wait to see where this is going....and tell me how excited you are to get there....and then. Then, it's over. Over night. You decide you don't want a submissive, but a slave.

I've gone over it again and again, trying to figure out where it went wrong. You told me you can't change who you are, and would never expect anyone to change for you. But how could you change so drastically from the beginning to the end?

Honesty and respect were monumental to you. But at what point did you think that telling me via email that you wanted a slave, not a submissive, without actually saying it was over, was honest or respectful??

Whatever. The silver lining? Better now than later.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


I think it was a false alarm.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

New relationship.


It's been so long since I've been here(wiping away the dust and cobwebs). But the reality is...I didn't have any desire to write about anything. I just wanted to forget for a while about that previous disasterous adventure. To be honest, when things exploded with Joe, I wasn't sure I ever wanted to be a part of this lifestyle again. I was relieved when it ended, because it had spiraled out of control and went to a very unhappy place. I thought "if this is how the lifestyle is, I want no part of it". But it wasn't the lifestyle. It was him. A true sociopath, bent on having things his way, through lies and deceit. And once I figured that out afterward. I began to heal.

I dated a vanilla man for a while after things ended, thinking that's what I wanted. But I found that I missed the good parts. And yes, if I'm honest with myself, there were definitely good parts. Things I found myself craving after our relationship ended.

And vanilla just didn't do it for me anymore.

And when that vanilla relationship ended, which, I think was doomed from the beginning, I decided that I wanted to really learn and educate myself to what the lifestyle was really about.

I started with attending a local submissive's munch in my area. Met some amazing women and men. People with experience, and wisdom, and had a desire to share that wisdom with me. I made some great friends in the lifestyle, and started going to events. Not to play. Public play, I found out, isn't for me. But to learn. To watch the interractions between people.

I've even met a few of Joe's other victims. Women he dated in the past and hurt horribly. They don't know who I am, and I haven't told them about my connection with Joe. I'm afraid that these women, who have moved on to happier places, don't deserve the reminder. So, I am their friend, and share a secret with them, that they have no idea about.

I pondered and tried the switch role....wondering if submissive was the hat that I wanted and needed to wear. While interesting, and enjoyable, it wasn't for me. I didn't mind topping, and could understand better the thrill a dominant gains from the power exchange. But truth be told...I crave the submission.

I've come to a better understanding of the lifestyle and what I want and need from it. I've come closer to realizing what I want and don't want from

I want a man to take the lead. I want a man who knows what he wants. I want a man that has the capability to listen to another's opinion, but makes the decisions on his own. I also want a man that can appreciate my desire to make him happy. A man that is still a gentleman, while leading. I still have vanilla desires, so a man that is comfortable straddling both worlds.

I think I may have found such a man. A man who, while completely a dominant man, is still a gentleman, holding doors, taking things slow, no expectations for sex from the get-go. A man that wants to snuggle on the couch while watching a movie, and asks for what he wants instead of demanding it. A man that appreciates that I took the time to make dinner and brought it to his house so we could snuggle on said couch watching a movie. And then had the decency to tell me how delicious it was and how sweet I was for doing it.

We have hours long conversations about anything and everything. He also is dependable, calling when he says he'll call. Which, by the way, is every night when he gets home from work. I had a horrible day at work, and he was there for me, listening to me while I vented, raged, and cried.

And on top of all that...he is smart, handsome, and oh so very sexy. While he is content to take things slow...and not rush into anything, I find myself having to hold back from throwing myself at him. I want to touch him, kiss him, taste him. I find myself dreaming about scenes with him...wanting him to do to me, those things I miss.


It's good to be home.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Almost one year....

It's been almost one year since Joe assaulted me and went to jail. I want to come back here and write...and write...and's been a tumultuous year....

Short little post, I know, but it's a baby step.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

no title

I'm writing this down so that I will remember what he did to me. And so that maybe one day, this story will save someone else from making the mistakes I made.

These posts will be just stories that others have told me...some will be my own memories. Some day, I will put them in chronological order. I suspect that writing this will be cathartic, but will take forever to write down. I can only think of Joe for short periods of time before I feel overwhelmed and sad and angry. I want to get everything down. I don't want to forget any of the stories any of the other women have told me personally. I want to remember for them. They weren't strong enough to stand up to him, but I am. Maybe I can be strong enough to tell their stories as well. If he doesn't kill me before then. I didn't thiink that he would be abusive. I was wrong about that. I do believe that he is a true sociopath. And knowing that, I am in danger. I don't know when, or how, but I believe that he will come after me. And I will be ready. And I will win.

I first spoke to Katherine on November 5th. I had found her number in Joe's old cell phone and called. I was so nervous as the phone rang...would she believe me? Would she rat me out to Joe? Whose side would she be on?? When she answered I told her who I was and that I suspected she was Joe's girlfriend. "Welllllllllll....." was what she said. I stopped her and told her that I would tell her my story first and if she felt like sharing then I would listen to her story. I told her about the assault, the fact that I had been Joe's girlfriend for over a year and that I wasn't the only one. I told her about the car, the computer, the drugs, the men. She told me that she had first met Joe when she was thirteen years old. He was sixteen at the time and they met in drug rehab. She told me that they had been together for years and that she had been his submissive, that he had trained her from day one to be submissive. This bothered me. How could anyone do that to a 13 year old? She told me that she had kept in contact with him off and on over the years and that for the past year he had been calling her regularly telling her that he missed her, still loved her and wanted to come back to Atlanta to be with her. She alluded to the fact that he manipulated her into VERY sexual conversations over the phone. I took this to mean phone sex. I will clarify this with her some day. She told me she had no idea that any of that was occuring. She stated that Joe had told her that he hadn't dated anyone in a long time. She stated that she knew about Zoe, but that Joe never told her that he married Donna or was still married to him. I think she was shocked by everything I told her, but I think she believed me.

The next time I talked to Katherine was on November 12th. We talked for 98 minutes. I called her because I felt bad that I had dropped this bomb in her lap and then hung up like it was nothing. I wanted to make sure she was ok. But I also wanted to know if she had spoken to Joe. Katherine told me that she hadn't spoken to Joe but had called him and texted him and told him that she never ever wanted to hear from him again. I warned her that he would probably call and ask her what had happened to make her change her mind. I know he will call and ask her if I called her. I think he is finally figuring out how good I am at what I do. We talked a lot about their history together. I asked her lots of questions...she is the only realy link I have to his past. He lies so much about everything, it was nice to finally hear some truth about his past. I think she was relieved to finally have someone to tell. She told me that they often went to the mall and walked around. It wasn't until years later that he admitted to her that he was dealing drugs at the mall. His comment to her was "what did you think we were doing?" She said that he controlled everything she did. When I told her the story about his fantasy of having me snort a line of coke off the head of his cock she laughed. She said he needed some new material and that he would tell her the same thing. She said he dealt coke. And that the first time she did coke with him was in the bathroom at a gas station. She said they did a lot of ecstacy together. I asked her if he was ever abusive to her and she said that they "wrestled" around a lot and that she would be covered with bruises and bitemarks. When he moved to Florida, once she quit her job and moved down to be with him. He was living with Nancy, in Nancy's mother's house. She said the pool was just a big hole in the back yard. She said that he and Nancy shared a room and that she was left to sleep on the couch while they would go to bed and she could hear them giggling and laughing together in bed. She said once she went to visit him when he was living in West Palm Beach? and that he promised her that he would take care of her and buy her clothes and things. They went to a party one night. She was in the back seat of the car and they picked up this girl. Katherine's feelings were hurt because he drove holding this girl's hand. They went shopping before the party and he bought this other girl all sorts of clothes and things. She said he ignored her the whole night and then he and this girl went to sleep in this bedroom at the party and she slept by herself in the kid's bedroom, crying herself to sleep. He treated her as property, never seeing her for whom she really was. This part of Katherine's story made me so sad....

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Going Underground

Life has taken a turn for the worse. Joe has become abusive and this past weekend he was arrested for domestic violence. I didn't ask for it, I didn't deserve it. I hurt physically all over and emotionally I am devastated. And now he and his attorney are doing everything they can in their power to make me out to be some crazy lady. He ruined life, my credit, our future. I tried my best to be everything he wanted, but it was all a sham. He wasn't what he said he was in any way. At some point, this blog will probably disappear in an attempt to protect myself.

Please keep me in your prayers.