Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
New Post....new relationship.
Sigh...
It's been so long since I've been here(wiping away the dust and cobwebs). But the reality is...I didn't have any desire to write about anything. I just wanted to forget for a while about that previous disasterous adventure. To be honest, when things exploded with Joe, I wasn't sure I ever wanted to be a part of this lifestyle again. I was relieved when it ended, because it had spiraled out of control and went to a very unhappy place. I thought "if this is how the lifestyle is, I want no part of it". But it wasn't the lifestyle. It was him. A true sociopath, bent on having things his way, through lies and deceit. And once I figured that out afterward. I began to heal.
I dated a vanilla man for a while after things ended, thinking that's what I wanted. But I found that I missed the good parts. And yes, if I'm honest with myself, there were definitely good parts. Things I found myself craving after our relationship ended.
And vanilla just didn't do it for me anymore.
And when that vanilla relationship ended, which, I think was doomed from the beginning, I decided that I wanted to really learn and educate myself to what the lifestyle was really about.
I started with attending a local submissive's munch in my area. Met some amazing women and men. People with experience, and wisdom, and had a desire to share that wisdom with me. I made some great friends in the lifestyle, and started going to events. Not to play. Public play, I found out, isn't for me. But to learn. To watch the interractions between people.
I've even met a few of Joe's other victims. Women he dated in the past and hurt horribly. They don't know who I am, and I haven't told them about my connection with Joe. I'm afraid that these women, who have moved on to happier places, don't deserve the reminder. So, I am their friend, and share a secret with them, that they have no idea about.
I pondered and tried the switch role....wondering if submissive was the hat that I wanted and needed to wear. While interesting, and enjoyable, it wasn't for me. I didn't mind topping, and could understand better the thrill a dominant gains from the power exchange. But truth be told...I crave the submission.
I've come to a better understanding of the lifestyle and what I want and need from it. I've come closer to realizing what I want and don't want from this....place.
I want a man to take the lead. I want a man who knows what he wants. I want a man that has the capability to listen to another's opinion, but makes the decisions on his own. I also want a man that can appreciate my desire to make him happy. A man that is still a gentleman, while leading. I still have vanilla desires, so a man that is comfortable straddling both worlds.
I think I may have found such a man. A man who, while completely a dominant man, is still a gentleman, holding doors, taking things slow, no expectations for sex from the get-go. A man that wants to snuggle on the couch while watching a movie, and asks for what he wants instead of demanding it. A man that appreciates that I took the time to make dinner and brought it to his house so we could snuggle on said couch watching a movie. And then had the decency to tell me how delicious it was and how sweet I was for doing it.
We have hours long conversations about anything and everything. He also is dependable, calling when he says he'll call. Which, by the way, is every night when he gets home from work. I had a horrible day at work, and he was there for me, listening to me while I vented, raged, and cried.
And on top of all that...he is smart, handsome, and oh so very sexy. While he is content to take things slow...and not rush into anything, I find myself having to hold back from throwing myself at him. I want to touch him, kiss him, taste him. I find myself dreaming about scenes with him...wanting him to do to me, those things I miss.
Sigh....
It's good to be home.
It's been so long since I've been here(wiping away the dust and cobwebs). But the reality is...I didn't have any desire to write about anything. I just wanted to forget for a while about that previous disasterous adventure. To be honest, when things exploded with Joe, I wasn't sure I ever wanted to be a part of this lifestyle again. I was relieved when it ended, because it had spiraled out of control and went to a very unhappy place. I thought "if this is how the lifestyle is, I want no part of it". But it wasn't the lifestyle. It was him. A true sociopath, bent on having things his way, through lies and deceit. And once I figured that out afterward. I began to heal.
I dated a vanilla man for a while after things ended, thinking that's what I wanted. But I found that I missed the good parts. And yes, if I'm honest with myself, there were definitely good parts. Things I found myself craving after our relationship ended.
And vanilla just didn't do it for me anymore.
And when that vanilla relationship ended, which, I think was doomed from the beginning, I decided that I wanted to really learn and educate myself to what the lifestyle was really about.
I started with attending a local submissive's munch in my area. Met some amazing women and men. People with experience, and wisdom, and had a desire to share that wisdom with me. I made some great friends in the lifestyle, and started going to events. Not to play. Public play, I found out, isn't for me. But to learn. To watch the interractions between people.
I've even met a few of Joe's other victims. Women he dated in the past and hurt horribly. They don't know who I am, and I haven't told them about my connection with Joe. I'm afraid that these women, who have moved on to happier places, don't deserve the reminder. So, I am their friend, and share a secret with them, that they have no idea about.
I pondered and tried the switch role....wondering if submissive was the hat that I wanted and needed to wear. While interesting, and enjoyable, it wasn't for me. I didn't mind topping, and could understand better the thrill a dominant gains from the power exchange. But truth be told...I crave the submission.
I've come to a better understanding of the lifestyle and what I want and need from it. I've come closer to realizing what I want and don't want from this....place.
I want a man to take the lead. I want a man who knows what he wants. I want a man that has the capability to listen to another's opinion, but makes the decisions on his own. I also want a man that can appreciate my desire to make him happy. A man that is still a gentleman, while leading. I still have vanilla desires, so a man that is comfortable straddling both worlds.
I think I may have found such a man. A man who, while completely a dominant man, is still a gentleman, holding doors, taking things slow, no expectations for sex from the get-go. A man that wants to snuggle on the couch while watching a movie, and asks for what he wants instead of demanding it. A man that appreciates that I took the time to make dinner and brought it to his house so we could snuggle on said couch watching a movie. And then had the decency to tell me how delicious it was and how sweet I was for doing it.
We have hours long conversations about anything and everything. He also is dependable, calling when he says he'll call. Which, by the way, is every night when he gets home from work. I had a horrible day at work, and he was there for me, listening to me while I vented, raged, and cried.
And on top of all that...he is smart, handsome, and oh so very sexy. While he is content to take things slow...and not rush into anything, I find myself having to hold back from throwing myself at him. I want to touch him, kiss him, taste him. I find myself dreaming about scenes with him...wanting him to do to me, those things I miss.
Sigh....
It's good to be home.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Almost one year....
It's been almost one year since Joe assaulted me and went to jail. I want to come back here and write...and write...and write....it's been a tumultuous year....
Short little post, I know, but it's a baby step.
Short little post, I know, but it's a baby step.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
no title
I'm writing this down so that I will remember what he did to me. And so that maybe one day, this story will save someone else from making the mistakes I made.
These posts will be just stories that others have told me...some will be my own memories. Some day, I will put them in chronological order. I suspect that writing this will be cathartic, but will take forever to write down. I can only think of Joe for short periods of time before I feel overwhelmed and sad and angry. I want to get everything down. I don't want to forget any of the stories any of the other women have told me personally. I want to remember for them. They weren't strong enough to stand up to him, but I am. Maybe I can be strong enough to tell their stories as well. If he doesn't kill me before then. I didn't thiink that he would be abusive. I was wrong about that. I do believe that he is a true sociopath. And knowing that, I am in danger. I don't know when, or how, but I believe that he will come after me. And I will be ready. And I will win.
Katherine....
I first spoke to Katherine on November 5th. I had found her number in Joe's old cell phone and called. I was so nervous as the phone rang...would she believe me? Would she rat me out to Joe? Whose side would she be on?? When she answered I told her who I was and that I suspected she was Joe's girlfriend. "Welllllllllll....." was what she said. I stopped her and told her that I would tell her my story first and if she felt like sharing then I would listen to her story. I told her about the assault, the fact that I had been Joe's girlfriend for over a year and that I wasn't the only one. I told her about the car, the computer, the drugs, the men. She told me that she had first met Joe when she was thirteen years old. He was sixteen at the time and they met in drug rehab. She told me that they had been together for years and that she had been his submissive, that he had trained her from day one to be submissive. This bothered me. How could anyone do that to a 13 year old? She told me that she had kept in contact with him off and on over the years and that for the past year he had been calling her regularly telling her that he missed her, still loved her and wanted to come back to Atlanta to be with her. She alluded to the fact that he manipulated her into VERY sexual conversations over the phone. I took this to mean phone sex. I will clarify this with her some day. She told me she had no idea that any of that was occuring. She stated that Joe had told her that he hadn't dated anyone in a long time. She stated that she knew about Zoe, but that Joe never told her that he married Donna or was still married to him. I think she was shocked by everything I told her, but I think she believed me.
The next time I talked to Katherine was on November 12th. We talked for 98 minutes. I called her because I felt bad that I had dropped this bomb in her lap and then hung up like it was nothing. I wanted to make sure she was ok. But I also wanted to know if she had spoken to Joe. Katherine told me that she hadn't spoken to Joe but had called him and texted him and told him that she never ever wanted to hear from him again. I warned her that he would probably call and ask her what had happened to make her change her mind. I know he will call and ask her if I called her. I think he is finally figuring out how good I am at what I do. We talked a lot about their history together. I asked her lots of questions...she is the only realy link I have to his past. He lies so much about everything, it was nice to finally hear some truth about his past. I think she was relieved to finally have someone to tell. She told me that they often went to the mall and walked around. It wasn't until years later that he admitted to her that he was dealing drugs at the mall. His comment to her was "what did you think we were doing?" She said that he controlled everything she did. When I told her the story about his fantasy of having me snort a line of coke off the head of his cock she laughed. She said he needed some new material and that he would tell her the same thing. She said he dealt coke. And that the first time she did coke with him was in the bathroom at a gas station. She said they did a lot of ecstacy together. I asked her if he was ever abusive to her and she said that they "wrestled" around a lot and that she would be covered with bruises and bitemarks. When he moved to Florida, once she quit her job and moved down to be with him. He was living with Nancy, in Nancy's mother's house. She said the pool was just a big hole in the back yard. She said that he and Nancy shared a room and that she was left to sleep on the couch while they would go to bed and she could hear them giggling and laughing together in bed. She said once she went to visit him when he was living in West Palm Beach? and that he promised her that he would take care of her and buy her clothes and things. They went to a party one night. She was in the back seat of the car and they picked up this girl. Katherine's feelings were hurt because he drove holding this girl's hand. They went shopping before the party and he bought this other girl all sorts of clothes and things. She said he ignored her the whole night and then he and this girl went to sleep in this bedroom at the party and she slept by herself in the kid's bedroom, crying herself to sleep. He treated her as property, never seeing her for whom she really was. This part of Katherine's story made me so sad....
These posts will be just stories that others have told me...some will be my own memories. Some day, I will put them in chronological order. I suspect that writing this will be cathartic, but will take forever to write down. I can only think of Joe for short periods of time before I feel overwhelmed and sad and angry. I want to get everything down. I don't want to forget any of the stories any of the other women have told me personally. I want to remember for them. They weren't strong enough to stand up to him, but I am. Maybe I can be strong enough to tell their stories as well. If he doesn't kill me before then. I didn't thiink that he would be abusive. I was wrong about that. I do believe that he is a true sociopath. And knowing that, I am in danger. I don't know when, or how, but I believe that he will come after me. And I will be ready. And I will win.
Katherine....
I first spoke to Katherine on November 5th. I had found her number in Joe's old cell phone and called. I was so nervous as the phone rang...would she believe me? Would she rat me out to Joe? Whose side would she be on?? When she answered I told her who I was and that I suspected she was Joe's girlfriend. "Welllllllllll....." was what she said. I stopped her and told her that I would tell her my story first and if she felt like sharing then I would listen to her story. I told her about the assault, the fact that I had been Joe's girlfriend for over a year and that I wasn't the only one. I told her about the car, the computer, the drugs, the men. She told me that she had first met Joe when she was thirteen years old. He was sixteen at the time and they met in drug rehab. She told me that they had been together for years and that she had been his submissive, that he had trained her from day one to be submissive. This bothered me. How could anyone do that to a 13 year old? She told me that she had kept in contact with him off and on over the years and that for the past year he had been calling her regularly telling her that he missed her, still loved her and wanted to come back to Atlanta to be with her. She alluded to the fact that he manipulated her into VERY sexual conversations over the phone. I took this to mean phone sex. I will clarify this with her some day. She told me she had no idea that any of that was occuring. She stated that Joe had told her that he hadn't dated anyone in a long time. She stated that she knew about Zoe, but that Joe never told her that he married Donna or was still married to him. I think she was shocked by everything I told her, but I think she believed me.
The next time I talked to Katherine was on November 12th. We talked for 98 minutes. I called her because I felt bad that I had dropped this bomb in her lap and then hung up like it was nothing. I wanted to make sure she was ok. But I also wanted to know if she had spoken to Joe. Katherine told me that she hadn't spoken to Joe but had called him and texted him and told him that she never ever wanted to hear from him again. I warned her that he would probably call and ask her what had happened to make her change her mind. I know he will call and ask her if I called her. I think he is finally figuring out how good I am at what I do. We talked a lot about their history together. I asked her lots of questions...she is the only realy link I have to his past. He lies so much about everything, it was nice to finally hear some truth about his past. I think she was relieved to finally have someone to tell. She told me that they often went to the mall and walked around. It wasn't until years later that he admitted to her that he was dealing drugs at the mall. His comment to her was "what did you think we were doing?" She said that he controlled everything she did. When I told her the story about his fantasy of having me snort a line of coke off the head of his cock she laughed. She said he needed some new material and that he would tell her the same thing. She said he dealt coke. And that the first time she did coke with him was in the bathroom at a gas station. She said they did a lot of ecstacy together. I asked her if he was ever abusive to her and she said that they "wrestled" around a lot and that she would be covered with bruises and bitemarks. When he moved to Florida, once she quit her job and moved down to be with him. He was living with Nancy, in Nancy's mother's house. She said the pool was just a big hole in the back yard. She said that he and Nancy shared a room and that she was left to sleep on the couch while they would go to bed and she could hear them giggling and laughing together in bed. She said once she went to visit him when he was living in West Palm Beach? and that he promised her that he would take care of her and buy her clothes and things. They went to a party one night. She was in the back seat of the car and they picked up this girl. Katherine's feelings were hurt because he drove holding this girl's hand. They went shopping before the party and he bought this other girl all sorts of clothes and things. She said he ignored her the whole night and then he and this girl went to sleep in this bedroom at the party and she slept by herself in the kid's bedroom, crying herself to sleep. He treated her as property, never seeing her for whom she really was. This part of Katherine's story made me so sad....
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Going Underground
Life has taken a turn for the worse. Joe has become abusive and this past weekend he was arrested for domestic violence. I didn't ask for it, I didn't deserve it. I hurt physically all over and emotionally I am devastated. And now he and his attorney are doing everything they can in their power to make me out to be some crazy lady. He ruined everything....my life, my credit, our future. I tried my best to be everything he wanted, but it was all a sham. He wasn't what he said he was in any way. At some point, this blog will probably disappear in an attempt to protect myself.
Please keep me in your prayers.
Please keep me in your prayers.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
PTSD and D/s....
The two don't mix well.
And I wonder if we will ever get to the point where we get it right.
One thing I hate are blogs that are all complaints. You know the ones....folks that only seem to blog when they have something to complain about. I fear that I may be one of those bloggers! When things are going well, I am content and don't think so much about writing....and then, when things aren't going well, I want to vent. I hate that. I love reading others' blogs about how great life is...or the great spanking they received the night before. Why can't I be like that?? I promise I will try harder. Because honestly, Joe and I have some really great days and they should be shared!
But on to reality....the past few weeks have been difficult. All of the PTSD stuff I have been reading indicates that the first few months a soldier is home is hard, but that at some point, six to eight months after coming home, reality sets in for them and the PTSD kicks into overdrive. That's my take and my wording, but basically, it means that they try really hard when they first get home to act "normal" and can only carry on the facade for so long before it crumbles. I think that's where Joe is. It's been just about eight months since he came home and he's having a hard time holding it together.
He has been fighting with the baby mama, his family, and me. I have done my very best to be understanding and to be the calm port for his storm. But the other day it came to a head.
He was over, angry with the world. He actually scared me. He was pacing back and forth, furious over everything. He was yelling about the baby mama, the military, his feelings that no one understands what's going on in his head, and then he started in on me. Yelling at me about things that happened months ago, his current perception that I was not listening to him, accusing me of trying to sabotage our relationship. All of this while pacing. I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk(to work off the energy) or sit down and he continued to yell at me.
And I wonder if we will ever get to the point where we get it right.
One thing I hate are blogs that are all complaints. You know the ones....folks that only seem to blog when they have something to complain about. I fear that I may be one of those bloggers! When things are going well, I am content and don't think so much about writing....and then, when things aren't going well, I want to vent. I hate that. I love reading others' blogs about how great life is...or the great spanking they received the night before. Why can't I be like that?? I promise I will try harder. Because honestly, Joe and I have some really great days and they should be shared!
But on to reality....the past few weeks have been difficult. All of the PTSD stuff I have been reading indicates that the first few months a soldier is home is hard, but that at some point, six to eight months after coming home, reality sets in for them and the PTSD kicks into overdrive. That's my take and my wording, but basically, it means that they try really hard when they first get home to act "normal" and can only carry on the facade for so long before it crumbles. I think that's where Joe is. It's been just about eight months since he came home and he's having a hard time holding it together.
He has been fighting with the baby mama, his family, and me. I have done my very best to be understanding and to be the calm port for his storm. But the other day it came to a head.
He was over, angry with the world. He actually scared me. He was pacing back and forth, furious over everything. He was yelling about the baby mama, the military, his feelings that no one understands what's going on in his head, and then he started in on me. Yelling at me about things that happened months ago, his current perception that I was not listening to him, accusing me of trying to sabotage our relationship. All of this while pacing. I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk(to work off the energy) or sit down and he continued to yell at me.
About a month ago we "played" with a couple I know very well. A couple that I have been friends with forever, but never played with in a sexual manner. I thought at the time we had a great time. Joe seemed to really like them, they really liked Joe and told us they couldn't wait to play with "us" again.
Apparently Joe saw it as the "Em" show. And his insecurities spilled over into "they were just being polite, they didn't really care if he was there or not"...blah blah blah. I mean, at the time, she paid a lot of attention to him, we all had our needs met, or so I thought. And as he stood here, in my house, pacing and ranting, he started in on the "Em" show....ripping into my friends and me....that I didn't care if he was there or not. I couldn't sit there any longer because I was forbidden from interrupting him. I got up, put on my shoes and he said, "are you really walking away from me????" and I told him I was going for a walk because he was hurting my feelings and I didn't want to say anything I would regret later. I wasn't prepared to fight with him. So I left. And as I walked down the street, I heard him tear off in his car.
We didn't speak for two days. I was hurt and angry. I called him finally and apologized for leaving and explained that he was scaring me because I didn't know what he wanted from me. He finally called and apologized for scaring me, he didn't mean to. He told me he was falling apart and had to get away. He left to go down south for a few days to get away from everything. I should note here that in the past, in our vanilla days, he went south for "a few days" and ended up staying for two months with no contact from him. His going south scared me.....I worried that he would disappear. He promised me that he would not disappear and that he would be back.
When I say he scared me, I mean he SCARED me. He wasn't Joe. He yelled at me, blamed me, called me names(which he has NEVER EVER done before). He didn't even look or sound like the Joe and I know and love. I even asked him if he needed to go to the hospital and check himself in. Yeah, that went over really well.
He's been gone for four days. He told me initially he would be back on Tuesday. I actually was looking forward to having a break myself. I figured I wouldn't hear from him while he was gone. I was wrong. He called yesterday morning and told me he loved me, missed me, and wished I was there with him. He sounded like the old Joe. The one who makes me laugh, loves me unconditionally, the one with whom I want to spend my life with. He told me he missed me and was coming home early. That he will be home Sunday and wanted to come stay with me for a while.
I think(hope) that his time away made him realize what he truly had. And that no matter how chaotic life gets, I give him stability. At least that's my take on things.
I don't know what the future holds....whether his PTSD will interfere forever, or if his therapy, meds, and my love can make a difference for him.
I do know that I love him, and want him in my life. I think for now, that we need to concentrate on just living, instead of worrying about the D/s aspects. Though maybe I'm looking at it all wrong. Maybe the D/s would help him feel more in control. I don't know. I know I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get it right.
Sorry, I know this isn't a very "lifestyle-ish" post....but it is a "life" post. Hope y'all understand.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Got Nuttin' really....
Life is going slow these days.
Joe and I have been spending every weekend together...and they are wonderful. He makes me laugh, smile, and giggle. We have so much fun together. Mostly we spend the weekend in bed!
Of course, I rarely get to see him during the week and that frustrates me. Though hopefully not for long.
Last week he told me he told his daughter that he would be living with his "special girlfriend". I'm assuming that's me. :o)
And this past weekend we talked about seeing a fertility specialist. I have bratty ovaries that don't want to work on their own.
That's the vanilla stuff. Pretty important...but vanilla all the same.
As far as the D/s....well, that seems to be going well. I still ask him a thousand questions, but he patiently answers them. Mostly. On occasion he just gives me the "look". You know the one, "are you really going to question me so I have to spank you, or are you just going to do it??"
Sigh....sorry, just not in a place to write tonight....it's Thursday, haven't seen Joe since Sunday and I'm missing him.
Sigh....
Joe and I have been spending every weekend together...and they are wonderful. He makes me laugh, smile, and giggle. We have so much fun together. Mostly we spend the weekend in bed!
Of course, I rarely get to see him during the week and that frustrates me. Though hopefully not for long.
Last week he told me he told his daughter that he would be living with his "special girlfriend". I'm assuming that's me. :o)
And this past weekend we talked about seeing a fertility specialist. I have bratty ovaries that don't want to work on their own.
That's the vanilla stuff. Pretty important...but vanilla all the same.
As far as the D/s....well, that seems to be going well. I still ask him a thousand questions, but he patiently answers them. Mostly. On occasion he just gives me the "look". You know the one, "are you really going to question me so I have to spank you, or are you just going to do it??"
Sigh....sorry, just not in a place to write tonight....it's Thursday, haven't seen Joe since Sunday and I'm missing him.
Sigh....
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